Blog Posts

Second Or First

10/16/2019

Last night as I lay in my bed pondering what to write about and my thoughts racing, I started thinking about the house. I started thinking about the mess it was in. As the images of each room started to fill my head and make my anxiety rise I thought about what part of the mess was NOT my kids. I am not going to lie, part of it was mine. After picking up day in and day out of other peoples things I tend to get burned out and throw my hands up in the air and give up. But that is a small part. Then there is my husband. As I thought about his part in this mess I started thinking to myself about those particular messes.
See I know that my kids are growing up and will one day be out the door and I wont be cleaning up after them anymore. But, then there is my awesome husband whose mess I will continue to pick up until one of us is 6' deep. (Insert the mom's laugh from that 70's Show here). I will be honest, I started thinking about those things I would not have to deal with anymore if he left first. I wouldn't have to worry about the white socks that I find in the strangest places; the "worn once but not dirty" clothes that lie next to the bed and just accumulate would be gone; the packed suitcase from a trip this is still on the floor months after his return would never haunt my feet at night again (because it never fails if I have to go to the bathroom I will always hit it with my foot!). The list could go on and on! Facial hair after I clean the bathroom, dirty garage (to be fair, the kids are an equal part in that mess), dishes in the sink despite the dishwasher being empty. Pondering these things in the middle of the night would make any wife want to role over and punch her sleeping husband's arm.

Then I remembered my husband was asleep in with one of our boys because he had had a rough day and wanted his daddy. At that point new thoughts started coming to my mind. A huge thought was the reason I was currently awake with a mind racing...

1. Sleeping Alone

Now that I have been married for over 10 years I am so used to having him by my side. He is my comfort when I sleep (Because I am 36 and still afraid of the dark. Don't judge me. LOL). Not having him next to me at night leaves me with discomfort, it feels wrong not to have his strong body next to mine. And in the winter when I am freezing? Heck no! I love having him in bed with me. I have such a peace knowing he is right there if I need him. Without him I would probably die of sleep deprivation (there are no essential oils strong enough out there to change that). Ha!

2. Financial Responsibility

We have been blessed over the year with his career that I was able to retire after our daughter was born. I currently am homeschooling our three children as well as running this household. The thought of having to take on a full time job to keep us afloat if he wasn't here is a daunting thought. Homeschooling would probably have to go and that would crush both the kids and me. As the STRESS of it all being on my shoulders? Yikes!!!! Thank goodness, my husband sacrifices 80% of his year (that includes 6 hours a night for sleeping to recover and do it again mind you) to providing for us. Even right now, when it is very hard for him to find the motivation to go to work because the possibility of an upcoming sale of the company. He still gets up and takes that full weight onto his shoulders. Without him I would have to make that same sacrifice and if you couldn't tell yet, I am kind of selfish in these areas and DON'T want to do that.

3. I Would Have To Kill...Scorpions

Yep! That's right. If he wasn't here I would not only have to protect our home from thieves but also scorpions. Insert "barffing" emoji right here. I HATE HATE HATE scorpions, we have had 4 in the house this year and he has rescued me from all of them. Which also leads into the fact I would have to treat and spray the house for bugs! Lord knows I wouldn't make enough to hire someone to do it (Because that money is so much better used at Chick-fil-a to buy their new mac and cheese. Ha!). Without him the sole protection of our home would fall to me, whether it be human, natural disaster, or creepy crawlies.

4. I'd Have No Best Friend

Lance is my best friend in every way. He is my lover, he is my frustration, he is my comic relief (despite me almost killing that part of him when we were first dating), he is my annoyance, he is the one I do it all with, and the one I do non of it with. I would be alone without him. Yes, I would have my children and friends and family, but it would not be the same. My children would grow and move on with their lives, stopping by here and there. My family would do the same and friends can be in and out in a matter of weeks. Without him I would be lonely.

So why on a mommy blog page did a write about this? Well for starters, without my husband I wouldn't be a mommy. LOL. But also, because I realized (and deep down I already knew) that I love my life with my husband. He is a strong (yeah, I mean physically, sizzle), funny, handsome (yeah baby!), caring, loving, supportive, and helpful husband. Sure, he can drive me crazy sometimes, but so do my children, my family, my friends, heck even myself at times!
I remember a story a long time ago of a group of old ladies sitting on a porch having tea. One of the ladies is talking about her husband going inside her house tracking some dirt onto the floor from his boots. The other ladies scoff and gripe about how they would never let their husband get away with that. The owner sadly looks down at her tea and tells them how that used to be with her husband and how he had passed away and she would do anything to have him walk through her door again with dirt on his boots.
Remember how I told you I was a selfish person at times? Well here is the proof. I hope and pray that I die first. I don't want to live on this earth without my protector, comedic relief, financial provider, and best friend right there with me. To some of you, you may be scoffing and thinking that I don't know what I am missing. Or that I have no independence. I would tell you, you are wrong. I worked at a prestigious veterinary oncology facility as their lead nurse before I retired. I owned my own home and car and paid all my own bills. I killed all my own home intruders (only bugs I promise). I had dogs that slept in my bed with me. But I was still lonely! So I am telling you, I don't EVER want to go back to that spot in my life. It was good while I had it but being with my husband is SOOOO much better. I love him and cherish him, even when I find a pair of his socks on the fireplace mantle (True story). He is my best friend and I don't want to do a single day of life without him. So God, I'll go first if you don't mind (unless you want to let us go together, perfectly fine with that too. Ha!)

So mommies, I urge you to consider what I have said. You know what annoys you and drives you batty about your husband. But ask yourself what you would lose if he was gone?
Yes, he threw the first piece of cake at our wedding and I was totally fine with it because we still laugh about it. Like I said, he is my comic relief. And as long as we keep God at our center we can and WILL make this marriage last.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other one up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken ~

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The Trip

10/8/2019

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I watch as you open your suitcase and start placing things inside. So tenderly you fold everything so they are just right as you lay them down. You have a calm and subtle smile on your face as you look at a picture in a simple frame. But the memory of that picture is a strong one, one you'll remember forever. Despite your bag being full you gently lay the picture under a layer of clothing. It will be needed for this trip, it will give strength when strength waivers.
As I continue to watch you, you peacefully go through your house tidying up to make sure there is no mess left behind. The last of the drying dishes you put away in the cabinet. Quietly you go through the whole house making sure to shut off all the lights. Yes, you are very sure everything is in order, leave things better then you found them. That is what you were taught.
I keep asking you if you have to take this trip. Why now? Why can't you wait a little longer? Tears well up in my eyes as I look at you, confused and hurt. This doesn't seem right, you shouldn't be going so far away. You gently kiss the top of my head where grey hair has replaced the blond. Years of love poured out and given to those I cherished most. You tell me you will miss me but how excited you are to take this trip. You go on and tell me that you have been waiting and that you know I wanted to take this trip first, but life is never predictable. You tell me everything is going to be okay and then you turn and start walking away.
I call after you that you forgot your suitcase. You look over your shoulder with the childlike grin you used to give me when you were young and tell me it was never meant to go with you. I look down at the suitcase puzzled by the response, when I look up you are gone. I look up and down the street but you are nowhere in sight. I look down again and slowly unzip the suitcase.
Inside I see the clothes you packed. Your suit from your wedding, your costume from a play in college, your football jersey from high school, your baby blanket from the day I brought you home. I smell in the blanket deeply and my eye catches the picture you packed. I pull it out and see myself holding you right after you were born.
I weep like a child, there in the street, oblivious to who is watching. My soul aches for you to be there when I look back up. My heart is breaking. It wasn't mean to be like this, I was the one who was to take the trip first. But as I sit rocking, holding what's left of your presence, a gentle peace washes over me. As hard as this will be I have peace in where you went. I have peace in knowing it wont be forever. I have peace in knowing God needed you home first...

As mothers there is no greater fear then the thought of God calling our children home before us. It haunts our dreams, it causes endless gray hairs on our heads, and no matter how old our children get that fear persists. That has now become the reality my grandparents are facing with their youngest son, my uncle. Most families are probably not that close, or there have been several members that have gone on home to heaven already, or some other example.
Well let me tell you about my family. We ARE close! We don't all live in the same town or even the same state, but we are close non the less. In fact I am almost 40 years old and other then one grandfather when I was 20 I have not lost a single family member. I am so grateful for that, but it scares me too. I know that the odds are starting to pack up against me and loved ones will be heading to their forever home soon. But I was still not ready to accept that even when I heard it from my dad's lips.
I will never forget where I was. Sitting watching my son practice at his gymnastic's facility I heard my phone ring. I never handle anything well when my dad is choking up, and this was no exception. "Your uncle Monte... your uncle Monte has... has pancreatic cancer." The anguish in my dad's voice at the news of his baby brother was heart breaking. This uncle, my uncle Monte is the comic relief in our family. He always has been. He was always the one growing up that would entertain us with songs or silly voices or sledding or tag. If there was fun going on at my grandparent's house it was my uncle's doing. He is the goof ball of the family and all his nieces and nephews love him for it.

My uncle got his family later in life then most. But they are an amazing family! They have been through so much and have put God in the heart of every decision, every obstacle that came their way. He wife Missy is sweet and caring and adores him. I have never seen my uncle happier then I have since the day he married her. They share a special bond that few other couples know. As a blended family they never faltered with their faith in God. All family's have ups and downs to go through, but my uncle and his wife tackled them together as a team. She gives him such life! My favorite picture below is the one to the right. Can you see the look on my aunt's face and I can tell my uncle has the same smile on his face as she does. United as one, lovers, with God at their core.

My uncle has three older siblings. They are all close but have not always gotten along. It is important as mothers to remember that no matter how hard we try, our children are going to have issues with each other. These issues will usually not be resolved with us in their face's telling them to work it out. In the later years our best tool for these relationship is to pray for them. My uncles and aunts I have watched over the years connect and then disconnect. I have seen pretty much every behavior happen in their adult years as I have in my children's young ages. Siblings will always be siblings. As mothers it is important to instill in them the importance of the bond that is their relationship; that way there is always someone to fall on in tears, rejoice with in good times, and every now and then diagree (strongly).

At our core, we are family; and when one member is going through something we all are. We go through it together and support and help each other, because that is what family does. When something like a new baby is born, we rejoice. When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer, we cry. There is nothing weak about it, it is in these times our family's strength truly shines through.

The last thing I will tell you about my uncle, before I tell you why this post is important to you, is his love for his daughter. He is a hero to her. Whether she sees it yet or not, he is. I have watched him love her, be firm with her, and hold her when she is sad. He has been there for her even when at times life made it hard. He cherishes her, a gift from God, for him. If every dad could be so present for his daughter what a wonderful world it would be.

So by now you are probably wondering how this pertains to you. As mothers we must remember that even as our children grow we still need to cherish any time they will spare for us. Even when they marry and move on to start a new branch of the family's legacy we need to still be there. They will want and need to ask for advice, and we need to share our wisdom with them. When they have their children, we need to be there. We need to help them when they ask for help babysitting; or if we know they are stressed, invite them over for dinner so they don't have to cook. If we live far away then we need to travel while our bodies still allow us to. As mothers we need to keep the family united as best we can, even when our children are adults and don't agree with each other's political views or how they raise their children. Pray for them, with the hopes that once you are gone, they will go on loving each other and supporting each other. And heaven forbid, if God should call one of our children home before us, we have so many happy memories made that when the devil tries to slither in feelings of guilt or regret, we can pull up one of those beautiful memories to fall back on.
I don't know what the future holds for my uncle Monte. I don't know when God will call him home; I am praying expectantly that he will be so old that he drives a little buggy around so wildly he gets glares from young people he almost runs over (because that would be my uncle). What I do know is this. My uncle is going to heaven someday, and if that is sooner, then heaven is preparing an awesome celebration for him! But for the rest of us, it will hurt. For my gandparents, I can not imagine the pain, but the rest of us will be there to be a shoulder for them to cry on. It isn't the people leaving for this trip that it's sad for; (For my uncle would be partying it up with his famous "You're old, you're old, you're old" song in heaven) it's knowing we can't see them again on this earth, and that is the most painful part about death. So mothers, please remember, in the end we are all packing for this ultimate trip with a suitcase full of memories that will not go with us. Instead it will be tenderly left behind to help in comforting those we loved.

Pslam 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever ~

DEDICATED TO MY AWESOME UNCLE MONTE WHO IS FIGHTING CANCER WITH THE STRENGTH OF GOD AND THE HUMOR THAT IS PART OF HIS LOVING CHARACTER

I am asking for prayers from anyone who reads this for my family and my uncle. Prayers that my uncle receives complete healing and that God plans on letting him grow really, really, old. Prayers that my family be covered in peace and grow even stronger in our relationships with each other. Thank you.

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Strategy 10: Attacking Your Relationship With Your Children (Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Motherhood)

10/3/2019

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If I were your enemy, I'd work to create division between you and your children. I would seek to dissolve any potential your children and you could make uniting against me. I would scheme to make you operate individually, blinding you and your children from the truth of how much you need each other. Strength in family and unity of purpose… I would not allow things like these to go unchecked ~

Lord have mercy! God never fails to have me walk through the fire I am talking about. This finale post of "Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Motherhood" fits right into life right now. We currently are not having the attack, but I fear it is brewing and gearing up depending on a large decision that needs to be made.
Last week, Leonidas, my middle child, the one always placed on the back burner, sweet and STRONG son, was invited to join the competitive team for his gymnastics. There is a testing period; a test of strength and a test of endurance, four test total. He has passed 3/4 above average. Here is my dilemma, to commit to this path for him would mean extreme sacrifices for everyone else in the family. Ten hours of practice a week, eight state competitions all over Florida, in a nutshell this road would take up 1/7 of our year. And it is an every year commitment. The cost is staggering in itself, but the time is the more pressing concern. This week the other two have already been voicing objections to having to "go and be bored" at his classes. If you haven't noticed this is a Thursday post because I couldn't get to my blog yesterday, it has already begun changing the family dynamics and routines.
I am afraid of this commitment. I am afraid this will hurt our family, but I am afraid I am being selfish to hold my little Grunt back for an amazing opportunity... So this brings us to today's blog, and the already present attacks the devil makes against our relationships with our children.

The devil always plans on hitting you where it hurts, and his most aggressive strategy and strongest battle plan is severing our relationships with our children. There will come a time, if it has not happened to you already, when your children will say something or do something that cuts you to your core. For me I have tasted that putrid flavor when Briseis spoke her first hurtful words, "Mommy, I don't love you anymore." Wham! Direct hit! She said it so calmly but with full malice. She was only 3 or 4. I was devastated. How could my sweet baby girl, whom I loved so much feel that way about me…already?! Of course I know she didn't understand what she was saying, but she was feeling something towards me that was not loving.
The devil will set our kids against us: The first attack as we have seen from above will sadly be from our children. Because they are not fully able to comprehend what love is, let alone Christlike love; he will put on their tongues phrases that will cut us to our soul. It will leave a small wound, nothing our Father can't heal, but a wound non the less.
The devil will use us against our kids: This can't be right, can it? Us be against our children, the ones we gave life? The ones whom we held their heads in the palms of our hands when they were once so small. But the devil is conniving, he will put a veil upon our eyes. He will have us harden our hearts to them. As crazy as that sounds that it he ultimate goal. We will say things to them that will hurt them. We will accuse falsely, yell out of sinful rage, hurt their spirit, diminish their joy for life.
Ultimately the devil will try everything to sever the bond: He will destroy the bond of mother and child. Without God intertwining between our children and us, we will not be strong enough to hold onto the relationship God had in store for us. It will be starved of love, grace,understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. Instead it will be consumed with resentment, hurt, bitterness, anger, frustration, unforgiveness, and hate. After time goes by and wounds continue to be made neither party will see the loss until it is too late. At that point the devil has won a huge victory. The pathetic Christian generation we were seeking to create was defeated right before our blind eyes.

Did this scare you? IT SHOULD!!! Satan has no plans for you to love let alone speak to your children in the end. He is here for one purpose in your calling of motherhood. One purpose for your children and you… to lie, destroy and kill ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that pulls you
and your children to Jesus and to each other. And that is seriously scary stuff. The gospel we believe in was and is meant to be shared TOGETHER, both the giving and receiving of grace, inspiring each of us to strive for a relationship with our children that shines outwards to others and draws them in. So lets fight back!

Step 1: Pray WITH Your Children

We have plenty of other strategies that we can pray on our own time. But Satan is after our relationship with our children NOW. Get them in on the fight! Start disciplining them in how to fight back. There is no time to wait. Pray with them about anything and everything. Let them speak from their hearts to our Father even if their prayers are, lets face it, sometimes petty. You can be sure, our Father is smiling in love for their words to Him. Let them also hear our prayers. That is how, as they age they will learn how powerful we can be with God always there.

Philippians 2:2-4 - Make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely
look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

Step 2: Communicate WITH Your Children

"Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I DON'T THINK SO!!! Words do hurt. If they didn't then the statistics for suicide, divorce, etc would be way lower. A friend of mine had her nephew try to hang himself at the age of 9 because of words. Words can and do hurt. It is the devil's biggest weapon against us. Not only can he influence people to say hurtful things, but even if what they say isn't hurtful; he can manipulate the receiver into thinking they heard something entirely different. So use his own weapon against him, talk with your children. When something they say is hurtful talk to them about it. Try to find out if the words they are using match the way they are feeling. If they do seek the Bible for guidance on how to help them resolve those feelings. If we do this then they will be open with us when we have said or done something to hurt them.

Hebrews 10:24-25 - Let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

Step 3: Grow YOUR Army

We want to have Satan scared. We want to have his tools against us useless. Because if we can have peace in a Christlike relationship with our children, then we are creating witnesses. Now we are moving as one body, with one purpose. Now we have strength in numbers. Our children, like us, were born to be warriors. Each one has a very strategic purpose that God needs them to fulfill. We need to be their
commanders. They need to have such a strong relationship with us that when the devil tries to attack they know God and their mothers are right there to back them up. Teach them now! Teach them how to fight Satan right this minute.

Psalm 18:32-34 - The God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless. He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights. He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

So now I must weigh the options before me, carefully praying for wisdom to see where the devil will attack in both outcomes, how I will fight the attacks, how in the end (no matter what) my relationship with my children stays strong as well as their relationship with EACH OTHER; because one day I wont be here and they will still need each other.

Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you: be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand~

FINAL BATTLE STRATEGY: PRAYER ROOM - EVEN IF YOU CAN'T CLEAN OUT AN ENTIRE ROOM OR CLOSET, FIND A SECRET PLACE TO PUT YOUR MOST URGENT PRAYERS. VISIT IT EVERY DAY. SEEK THE LORD IN THIS PLACE AND WATCH YOUR LIFE CHANGE.
MATTHEW 6:6 - BUT WHEN YOU PRAY, GO INTO YOUR ROOM, CLOSE THE DOOR AND PRAY TO YOUR FATHER, WHO IS UNSEEN. THEN YOUR FATHER, WHO SEES WHAT IS DONE IN SECRET, WILL REWARD YOU
Are you ready mommy? Are you ready to take your weapons into battle and reclaim your motherhood? Reclaim your calling?

Credit and quotes from Fervent and the Holy Bible

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Strategy #9: Attacking Your Heart (Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Motherhood)

9/24/2019

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If I was your enemy, I'd use every opportunity to bring old wounds to mind, as well as the people, events, and circumstances that caused them. I'd try to ensure that your heart was hardened with anger and bitterness. Shackled through unforgiveness, because then I could use your heart to corrupt your children. I could make them see that the God their parents talk about is not strong enough to keep their hearts obedient. That in the end, unforgiveness is the ultimate satisfaction to a wound ~

It is so good to be back! I certainly needed the week off to regroup, but I am so glad to be back at it, doing something I love, writing! So, this opening was a big pill to swallow. Forgiveness or a bitter heart, two very different roads to take with two very different outcomes. About four and a half years ago we moved in with my husbands parents. Prior to moving in I had had ups and downs with them, but for the most part we had a good relationship. Well, it is so true what they say about moving in with your spouse's parents. It didn't take long for the arrows to go flying. I never dreamed things could get as bad as they did. Despite my husband standing up for me the entire time, we moved out with our relationship with them severed. I can honestly say that I hated my mother in law at that point. The bitterness in my heart (whether justified by her actions or not) had gotten so strong it was painful. I am ashamed to say that I wished she would die.
It took a few months of prayer and fasting before I was able to truly forgive her. I don't mean I said I forgave her and went on my way. I mean a Holy Spirit intervention, eye opening, heart melting, forgiveness and it felt so WONDERFUL! I said before that my relationship with them was good, well it went from good to great. God turned a bad situation for good, for His glory.
The devil does not want this to happen. He wants us to hold onto our bitter hearts, he wants the hate to fester, the walls to be made stronger and thicker around us. He wants us to use validation for our unforgiveness. The devil wants us to stay on that high horse of righteousness. To stay in the mind set of, "They wronged me", and this is a sly tactic that twists the heart, knots it up, cuts off the blood flow. Validation ultimately will kill the heart. He will use our mind against us. Once the devil has BEGUN the work of killing our heart he then begins to attack our mind. We try to pray but it seems as if the prayers are hollow and dull. We start to feel like praying is just a "going through the motions" routine instead of actually communicating with a friend. And then he will let the seeds of anger and bitterness that are there fester and grow. Once the devil has control of our heart and mind things spiral out of control. We become easily offended to everything, even to our Father. This is because we feel like he isn't hearing, let alone answering our prayers. Whoever tries to help soften our heart we will take offense to as well. The devil will yell into our ears, "They don't know what happened, they don’t know how I feel, they don't understand how wrong it was, they need to mind their own business, they are trying to make me out to look like the one that needs to forgive!" Any of these sound familiar?

When we choose to forgive someone, we're not wiping their actions away as if the bad things never happened, giving people a free pass from the HARM they've caused. Instead we're just sparing ourselves the burden of working two extra jobs - being judge and jury for how justice is meted out in this situation. Give it to the One who knows what he is doing. Someone who is waiting to talk with us. Every single person in these pictures has hurt me, wounded me, and I had to forgive them for my sake not theirs. And I do mean everyone, even my children... even myself. And each time I have done so I have felt the sweet release of it all and I have been filled with peace and calm afterwards, at times even a "Holy Spirit High" as my pastor likes to call it. But it is no easy battle to win, like all good things of God usually are. How we fight back: His forgiveness, my friend… is freedom. His forgiveness. His forgiveness of us makes our forgiveness possible towards others! So lets break it down into steps.

Step 1: HONEST Prayer

Do what? When we go to Him with our request He can see our deepest, darkest, intentions. The kinds that have us praying one thing, yet deep down we aren't committed to the prayer. We had lived with my in-laws for almost 2 years. Things between us got so bad that to salvage any part of the relationship we moved into my parent's house for the last couple of months. My mother in law did things that I wanted justice for. When I would pray, deep down I did not want to forgive her. Then one day I prayed honestly to God. Spilled the darkest spots of my heart. Told Him I didn't want to forgive her, that I wanted her to pay for what she had done, that I hated her and despised her. Yeah, I held nothing back, gave my knotted heart to Him. Day by day, knot by knot asking Him to undo it.

Palm 34:18-19 - The Lord is near to those whose hearts are HUMBLE. He saves those whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person has many troubles, but the Lord rescues him from all of them.

Step 2: Accept Resistance

This is not some easy quick cure resurrection. We are restarting a dead heart. It is going to hurt. We are going to resist the freedom. We are going to fight the peace God is offering us. But… since we were honest with our prayers we have done the work of giving the knots out of heart over to the one who can do all things; God is going to start our heart again with the blood of Jesus. It will seem impossible that the feelings we feel could ever part from us. But they will! I promise they will. I remember I was in church with my pastor preaching on forgiveness to those we love. I remember talking to God right there saying "Well what if you don't love them? What if you hate them?" As clear as a bell God answered, "Because you are to love all my creations. Hate is of the devil." And before my eyes flashed a newborn baby girl, it was a picture I had once seen of my mother in law. That innocent baby was who I am called to love. That was it, I forgave her right then and there! It felt so blissful, so peaceful, so joyous. Like a stone going through a glass window and shattering it. I WAS FREE!!!

Psalm 103:12 - As far as the east is from the west - that is how far he has removed our rebellious acts from himself

John 13:34-35 - I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other in the same way that I have loved you. Everyone will KNOW that YOU are my disciples because of your love for each other

Step 3: Enjoy Freedom

Forgive, not because it is ever easy but because our enemy gets exactly what he wants from us otherwise. He wants us cold hearted, because it allows him to start spreading out to our husbands and to our children with corrupted seeds. When we chose to forgive we are plating the most POWERFUL seed we can into our children. Our savior died so OUR SINS may be forgiven. We have no right to deny others forgiveness and in being obedient to this our Father will open the flood gates of heaven for us! I am at total peace now because of my forgiveness to my mother in law. We certainly do not have the same relationship we had prior to moving in with them. But ultimately I think that is for the best. She certainly has things she needs to work on, but now that my heart is alive again I can pray for her and for her heart as well. It has improved my marriage with my husband because he has watched my struggle from beginning to end. My children will one day know the story when they are old enough but for now I can guide them in forgiveness as one that has done the forgiving. I am no longer a hypocrite to my children, I am living proof.

Romans 6:6-7 We know that the person we used to be was crucified with him to put an END to sin IN OUR BODIES. Because of this we are no longer slaves to sin. The person who has died has been freed from sin

If any of this is speaking to you. If you are feeling like your heart is hardened and you want it set free again. Those feeling to be removed, then I am praying for you sweet momma, but you must also set aside your pride. Step down from your high place in that cold heart of yours before it plants seeds into your children that you don't want planted. Step down and let the Holy Spirit take His rightful place there and watch the shell of bitterness crack and fall away. Know that you are loved mom! You are so loved, I love you, your family loves you, and your God loves you. He loves you so much He wants to take away the hurt so surrender it to Him and find your freedom.

John 8:32, 8:36 - You will KNOW the truth, and the truth will set you free. So if the Son sets you free, you will be absolutely free ~

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Strategy 8: Attacking Your Rest (Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Motherhood)

9/11/2019

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If I were your enemy, I'd make everything seem urgent, as if it's all yours to handle. I'd bog down your calendar with so many expectations you couldn't tell the difference between what's truly important and what's not. Guilty for ever saying no to your children, trying to keep everything under control, when really you're just being controlled by it all (including at times, your children as well). If I could keep you busy enough, you'd be too overwhelmed to even realize how much work YOU ARE SAVING ME FROM DOING! ~

I am not going to lie. I don't feel like writing today. I know each and every one of you have been there. Doing something you don't want to do but know (or at least feel) like it is an absolute necessary. Now, I am lucky for the fact that I love writing, but even that still has me wondering if I should take this week off from it....
But since I have started I am going to continue and if for some reason there is not a new post next week, you will know why. I simply needed to rest my writer's mind. Until then, though, lets get started with this week's strategy. Did the opening war strategy hit you in your gut? Did you recognize it as if I were talking directly to you? If so I pray this week's post gives you hope and a new strategy of your own. If I had to guess, it would be every single mom out there has a hard time fighting off the attacks of "busyness". Our motherly nature to nurture our young is overwhelming. Even in most animals the case is still the same. Never to have time to rest, always needing to provide; whether food, shelter, entertainment and the list goes on and on. So how does the devil get us to put our times of rest aside?
First, he will lay on the pressure... that's it! The one and only form of attack. Pressure to do for our children what they might be able to do for themselves or even to pressure to accept that they learn that their daily lives being full of joy depends on mommy having some down time. There are sub categories to the pressure for sure. Because as we all know it's not only our children that are pressuring us, but a whole assembly line of them. Pressures from our husbands, our bills, our family members, our friends, our priorities, our self image, our future, our homes, and on and on and on it goes. So to make it easier lets break the pressure into three subcategories.
One, is the pressure to be the perfect parent. This is the strongest one in most of our lives currently, and I stress currently. Our children adore us, love us unconditionally when they are young. But their constant demands for attention, affection, knowledge and even discipline can drain us as mothers. We literally can play with them on the floor for an hour, get up to go to the bathroom for two minutes and they are attacking us at the door like it has been a week since we acknowledged them! Some days it seems like a losing battle with the "more, more, more" demands they give us. And the devil has no problem playing on our nature. He will make us feel beyond guilty, like horrible mothers if we tell them to go away while we are in the bathroom. Thoughts enter our mind like, "I'm selfish, I'm hardhearted" OR "they wont always want to bother me when I am in the bathroom." You know what? GOOD!!! There is a point, no matter how brief when we need to let our children know they can't have 100% of mommy's time.
Next, is the pressure to be the perfect person to everyone else. This goes for our husbands, parents, siblings, friends, bosses, even church family. Every time we choose yes to something it cost us. Whether it be energy, time, happiness (note that I didn't say joy), money, or devotion. It doesn't matter, everything in this life has a price. When we feel the guilt of the word "yes" play on our hearts, we are accepting the cost, whatever it may be, willingly. My father is a great example of this. He has a horrible time saying "no" to anyone. It can get so bad that he has to cancel or in some cases even lie as to why something didn't work out. The devil uses this pressure tactic on him so much that it not only drains him, but hurts people around him. It cost him honor to his word, relationships, and most importantly, rest. When we can not put our priorities in order, and one of those has to be rest, we become slaves to our lives instead of our lives working for US.
Last, the pressure to do it all. Okay fellow mommies, let's be honest. Do you...pay the bills, clean the house, take out the trash, make the important phone calls, primarily raise the children, help your husband, do the laundry, do the dishes, make the plans, do the grocery shopping, and insert anything else you like? If you said no to even some of these go home and give your husband a big kiss and say thank you and pat yourself on the back for have the self control do let him. We are under SO MUCH pressure to do it all!!! It NEVER in the Bible anywhere says we are to do it all by ourselves. Mankind has needed help in everything from the beginning of time. Even Adam couldn't do it by himself so God gave him Eve to work together, to share in everything. And don't think for one second Eve could have done it without Adam. Why do you think the devil was so sly in making sure to tempt Eve? Had the devil tempted both of them together the outcome could have been very different. Accountability can count for everything. But because we do live in this fallen world we feel our busyness can be turned into a badge of honor. It is why we are so rarely satisfied with where we are or what we have, always fearing we won't be enough. Well guess what? We are being bullied by a liar. Intimidated by the enemy's cruel application of pressure against us. But not anymore!

The primary purpose of rest, of saying "no", when appropriate is to diminish our devotion to all other suitors and crystallize our allegiance to God. And yes, being our best and giving full effort is important in every area of our lives... including resting. Resting allows us to sit back in freedom which helps us start again tomorrow with our spirits rested, alert and renewed. We can be free IF we only rest.

Okay, so lets learn how to fight back. The first step is actually going to be different then all the others. Remember that the outline for my series came from the book "Fervent" as well as the quotes (for the most part, I did tweek them to target us mothers specifically). But this change is because these steps are involved, detailed, and invasive. They will make you really look into your life, not only the lit up places but also the dark places.

Step 1: Take Inventory

We need to take inventory of the pressures in our lives. We can do this by simply checking our schedule for patterns where we are being enslaved to things that are not truly critical or as indispensable as they seem. This could be too may activities for the kids throughout the week as one example. If we are so pressured to give our kids these activities but then sit there and are short tempered and irritable on those days what messages are we sending our children? We need to check our motivations as to why we are saying yes to so many things. Check to make sure the places or people who overloaded our time are not working their way into a status of idolatry. Check to make sure we aren't trying to keep up with the Jones'. The devil had no problem enslaving us to GOOD things, in fact he prefers it because it is harder for us to recognize. So don't let the pressures of life become idols. Here's how we know if we are in danger of that:
1. The pressure to preform, for example, often means we've made an idol of our reputation.
2. The pressure to maintain a ridiculously jam-packed schedule becomes an idol of self-reliance.
3. The pressure to maintain an impressive standard of living becomes the idol of achievement.
4. The pressure to take on everything in which our children show even the slightest interest becomes our children being the idol!
***ANYTHING CAN BECOME AN IDOL, GOOD OR BAD, JUSTIFIED OR NOT, GOOD INTENTIONS OR NOT***

Psalm 119:36-37 Direct my heart toward your written instructions rather than getting rich in underhanded ways. Turn me eyes away from worthless things. Give me a new life in your ways.
.

Step 2: Pray

Now that we know where our reasons for lack of time to rest are coming from it is time to turn to our Father. We must ask of Him to lay upon us real discernment because some of these determinations can be subtle and hard to spot. A free woman (whether a wife, daughter or mother) possesses the God-given ability to know when He is truly asking her to do something - as well as the God-given ability to know when He is NOT. But it requires fervent prayer to give us this power.

Matthew 6:33 Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.

Step 3: Applying It

We can now discern when we need to work and when we need to rest. We can now begin to give obedience to our Father by resting so that he can further mold us into the mothers He called us to be. A free one. A rested one. A contented one. The devil may get the best of us sometimes, but he will still walk away with some new, deep battle scars to remember who he is messing with. But that can not happen unless we actively start resting. Mark it in our calendars. Tell people when they ask for something, "I would love to, but I have a meeting I have to go to." because we do! We have a meeting with God where all he wants is for us to rest by his side. It can be something as simple as a nap. Seek out the rest, learn to crave it. Teach our children to want it. This week I have implemented a new thing with our children. I have already implemented quiet time with our children, but they don't always like it. So now I tell them the quiet time is so they can talk to God and it's quiet enough for them to hear Him. They can still play in their rooms but it gives them a new sense of how to talk to God and how they can hear Him better.

James 1:25 However, the person who continues to study God's perfect laws that make people free and who remain committed to them will be blessed. People like that don't merely listen and forget; they actually do what God's law says.

Alright, I know this was a very long one. But it was so important and I needed to get it to you. Two more to go and we will conclude this series!

Psalm 23: 1-3 The Lord is my shepherd. I am never in need. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside peaceful waters. He RESTORES my soul ~

*** URGENT/ATTENTION: DUE TO WEEBLY'S NEW ALGORITHM CHANGES I NO LONGER CAN SEE VIEWS UNLESS THE PERSON HAS COOKIES TURNED ON. I AM ALSO NOT SEEING COMMENTS EITHER. UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, SO I CAN CATER TO MY READERS, PLEASE CLICK ON ONE OF THE BELOW PLATFORMS AND LEAVE YOUR FEEDBACK THERE. LET ME KNOW HOW YOU LIKED THE POST, IF IT WAS TOO LONG OR TOO SHORT, WHATEVER IT IS. I AM RELYING ON YOU, AS MY READER, TO LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU ARE WANTING TO READ SINCE I CAN NOT LONGER SEE IT FOR MYSELF. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT! ***

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Strategy 7: Watch Out For Parasites (Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Motherhood)

9/2/2019

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If I was your enemy, I'd tempt you toward certain sins. I'd study your tenancies and proclivities til I learned the precise conditions that make you the most likely to indulge them to pull you away from what you have been called to do. To let those little ones around you know, see and learn that there are other things far more important then them.

Gruesome imagery isn't it? If your a mom, heck if you are human, you have probably had to deal with your share of parasites in life. Those creepy, crawly creatures that make you squirm in your seat. I love blogging, but I must admit there are times when God's sense of humor I do not find funny. Two weeks ago I found a parasite on my daughter. I was mortified that my precious baby girl could have something so... well we will just leave this part blank. LOL. I could have acted in many different ways to this discovery, but I remained calm, rolled up my sleeves and with my husband we took care of the unwanted creatures.
The devil has his own set of parasites he sends our way, but unlike the animal parasites, he has disguised his parasites as something so tempting to the eye we can't resist. There are three very important things to remember when it comes to the devil. One, he has sharp precision. The devil is not some half baked, want to be, fighter. He is ruthless, smart, and unrelenting. When he attacks us, it is not a random arrow pointed at a random part of us. No! It is a deadly arrow aimed straight at our hearts, minds and souls. The mere definition of precision is the quality, condition, or fact of being EXACT and ACCURATE. So he is strategizing to "hit you where it hurts". Second, he loves personalization. As we discussed in attacks against your family regarding our children; the devil knows both our strengths and weaknesses. He is going to personalize these parasites to us specifically. He will make us think that slithering, vile, repulsive parasite is the shiniest, most desirable bit of unclaimed satisfaction we've ever seen. And without a battle plan we will justify embracing the parasite with excuses like, "I've been so stressed with the kids", "I deserve this after what kind of day the kids put me through", "It doesn't hurt the kids if I do it", "They need to learn mommy needs to indulge sometimes". Any of those sounding familiar? Lastly, the devil has perfect persistence. Yeah, this one is a kick to the gut. This one means that even if you can beat him 1 time, 5 times, 10 times IT WONT MATTER! He is going to keep coming after us time and time again, never ceasing, always looking for the in; changing the appearance of the parasite to trick us into embracing it again. He will wait for the right time - the moment when we are most weakened and susceptible to attack. Days when the kids have been fighting, days when there seems to be more vomit stains on the floor then actual clean floor, days when we try and try to see the silver lining in our children's constant demands but grow weary. He will be there waiting to be welcomed in.

Parasites weaken our prayers which in turns weakens our power! The energy given by the Holy Spirit and our prayers to access and generate is cut off, choked out, bottlenecked. We are leaking our power and it will drain from us so that we don't stand a fighting chance. The parasite will start off seeming "normal", with the lie that nobody is getting hurt if we only embrace the parasite from time to time. And then when the damage is done we can't expect to cry out to God with our wrong when we don't do anything to change the environment in which the parasite lurks.

Prayers that have power come from a person in pursuit of righteous living. Purity leads us to fervent prayer, and fervent prayer leads us to purity. Make our victories as mothers become an everyday occurrence, the norm rather than the exception.

The pictures above list just a few things that God wants us to use for good, but if we are not wearing our armor, then the devil will corrupt and turn into personal parasites. God WANTS us full of power and confident as mothers. He wants us free to bless and encourage our children. He wants us to become such powerful warriors for our children and Him, that to the devil we look like sticks of dynamite. We want him so terrified of us that when we put our FIRST foot on the ground in the morning he is running to the pit of hell. So how can we do this?

Step 1: Prayer

When we pray in this area we must leave everything at the feet of Jesus. It's not like we can hide it from Him anyway, but it shows humble obedience when we specifically and individually name our parasites. Unmasking them, bringing them into the light which they HATE! Personally for me, my two biggest ones CURRENTLY are poor eating and compulsive buying. Though a few months ago I would have to say social media was on the list (and I'm sure without a careful eye, it could creep in again).

2 Peter: 2:9 - The Lord knows how to rescue the godly from temptation

Step 2: Read the Word

In order for us to actively fight off parasites that are masked as pleasure we need to read the Bible to decode how to see the temptations the devil sets specifically for us. We need to truly be the stick of dynamite that inside is filled with the Word so that when he tries to mess with us we can fire a blast of our Father's own words right back at him! If prayer is our lifeline, then the Bible is our ammo. Don't be afraid or offended by it. Our Father loved us so much that He gave us a physical, tangible gift to guide us in battle. Light your tongue on fire with those words and let it blow up in the devil's face.

1 Corinthians 10:13 - No temptation has over taken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to ENDURE IT!

Step 3: Fellowship

This war was never meant to be fought by ourselves. It takes us, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. But there is one key tool that we must take advantage of and that is fellowship. Fellowship is more then just a friendship. Fellowship is a friendly association, ESPECIALLY with people who SHARE one's interest. A synonym for fellowship is support. These people should believe in Jesus and our Father. These people are people who we can be transparent with, even about our deepest and darkest secrets. the reason for this is ACCOUNTABILITY! When we have true fellowship, in a world where Satan is usually a lot louder then the whisper of our Father is, it allows us to have someone to hold us accountable when we want to indulge with our parasites. They are our sisters and brothers in Christ. Warriors just like us. They want what is best for us just as God does. Whether it is in a small group, a church, a mommy group, etc. If they know when we are putting our parasites before our children it will in turn makes us stronger to resist because we know they will call us out on it.

Hebrews 10:24-25 - We must also consider how to encourage each other to show love and to do good things. We should not stop gathering together with other believers, as some of you are doing. Instead, we must continue to encourage each other even more as we see the day of the Lord coming.

Step 4: Change The Environment

Almost finished, promise! We know that devil is matriculate in his strategies. We also know that he is patient in waiting for the right moment to strike. So, to mess up his plans and throw him off his game we must be willing to change the environment in which the parasite hides. Back in November of last year, I was drinking way to much. I was using the excuse of my kids to do it. Alcohol had become a parasite for me. So I changed the environment. I stopped buying alcohol and my husband supported me by doing the same. This parasite is no longer welcome in my body and if temptation arises I remove myself from its presence. In strategizing our obedience as diligently as the enemy is strategizing those temptations, we have to be willing to make the sacrifices to keep them out of our home. The flesh is magnetically drawn toward the allure of temptation. So we can NOT simply try to disguise it until we "think" it's a good time to indulge. We need to eliminate it from our daily lives. Gulp! What will happen if we don't? Well we know there will be consequences, and that the consequences are never minimal. The waves of our choices will ripple outward from our hearts, minds and souls to our bodies...and then pass on to our children (Num. 14:18, Exodus 20:5, Deu. 5:9). Our children are watching us, as mothers it is our duty and obligation to protect them, even from ourselves. So tell them your weaknesses, let them help you stay accountable, and watch your bond with your children grow stronger!

Romans 6:12-14 - Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. FOR SIN SHALL NOT BE MASTER OVER YOU, FOR YOU ARE NOT UNDER LAW BUT UNDER GRACE.

Briseis and me after working out together! She not only holds me accountable to how I eat (she knows I shouldn't have bread and reminds me of it) but she also is my workout buddy.

***This doesn't mean you'll never fall into temptation again. Even Paul speaks of this in Romans 7:15 when he says, "I do not understand, I am doing the very thing I hate. I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out." But take great comfort in knowing that when God saved us, it was with the understanding that He'd be providing us "sanctification by the Spirit" all along the way; from the inside out, His purity and holiness changing your heart until it comes through as purity and holiness in ACTION (2 Thess. 2:13, Fervent)

Galatians 5:16 - Walk by the Spirit, and you WILL NOT carry out the desire of the flesh ~

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Strategy #6 - Attacking Your Calling Of Motherhood (Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Motherhood)

8/26/2019

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If I was your enemy, I would use anxiety to cripple you, to paralyze you; leaving you indecisive, clinging to safety and sameness. Always on the defensive because of what might happen. I would have you focusing so much on the "what ifs" that you let God's blessings for you pass by ~

We have all been there. Playing a movie reel in our head of all the those possible horrors that could take our children away from us. People that could do it, diseases that could do it, things that could do it, even themselves! Before we know it we have dug a "what if" so vivid into our brain that all we want to do it grab up our children and sit in a bubble so small that you have no choice but to hold them safe in your arms. Is this you? I know I have done this.
Two weeks ago I let my youngest go with his grandparents to Georgia to their cabin. I felt that tingle of worry on the edge of my mind, but I managed to block it out. Later that week I had to leave as well. The horror reel I kept letting the devil push on me we something happening to my husband and the older two kids or something happening to my youngest and me. It was so bad I did not want to leave for my trip, I was letting the devil win. Little did I know the blessing God had for me where I was going.
See the devil pushes this on us because he also knows God has blessings for us and he wants to keep us from receiving them. The same goes with God's favor as well. The devil wants you stuck in the fear, not moving, because then you can't grow. And that is exactly what the devil wants, stagnancy, staleness because those lead to death and rot.
So how do you know if the devil is attacking you in this area? Well lets see. What are some fears that are rerunning in your mind when it comes to you parenting you children? Having you wallow in fear of something is not just a stray thought; it is a deliberate strategy to attack your calling. He will make your fears so magnified, so insurmountable until you start avoiding your driving motivation as a mother. Frozen in fear, darkness, of what could happen.

We need to confront our worries, CLAIM our calling. Because that is what scares the devil the most, NOT being able to keep you from obtaining your destiny.

So how as mothers can we reclaim our destiny? There are four steps.

Step 1: Prayer

Prayer is the difference maker. An invitation for honesty, yes, for telling Him how you feel - so we need to give our fears to the Lord. All of them! If it is weighing on your mind and wont relent then go to Him. And then be still and listen, clear your mind, and let the peace of the Holy Spirit wash over you.

Psalm 56:3-4 When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What can mere men do to me?

Step 2: Don't Play The "What If" Game

When we allow our minds to be consumed with the "what ifs" of a road the Lord has placed in front of us it becomes our focus. We start to lose our focus of motherhood and focus on the fears instead. This can be a very hard game not to play, we will all fail at times. But being able to recognize this attack is key. If God is asking you to walk through something with your children, regardless of what it is, you must keep your eyes focused on what matters. Even Jesus was fearful in the garden before His arrest, it said He wept tears of blood. But in the end he kept His focus on his Father's will and it gave him peace. So, if God is asking you to walk with your child through something, acknowledge the fear but then give it to God. He knew before the beginning of time that you and your children would walk this path and He promises to be there the entire way, a shoulder to lean on. If need be He will carry you and your children. But fix your eyes on Him and not the worries that lie in the darkness around you.

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind.

Step 3: Be Confident

We are princesses of the Lord Most High! When He directs our path we need to be confident in His love for us. We need to tell the devil to get OUT OF OUR HEADS, that we have a job to do. Because we do, whether it is the call of a stay at home mom, the call of a mother to go back to work, the call of a mother to homeschool, the call of a mother to give testimony of past mistakes to their children (or other moms for that matter). Whatever you calling is, be confident that since God created our destiny that we will succeed even if we fall down in the process.

Luke 21:15 I will give you the right words and such wisdom that NONE of you opponents will be able to reply of refute you!

Step 4: Find Peace And Comfort

We now have the tools to maintain our passion, our focus, our identity, our families and our confidence in our fight for our destiny as mothers. Take comfort and peace in that knowledge. Our God is for us! He WANTS us to succeed in our calling, He KNOWS we can succeed in our calling because He gave us the POWER of the Holy Spirit and He is outside of time and knew us before we were ever in our mother's womb. We were destined for this from the beginning of time! How cool is that?!

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."

Romans 8:30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified ~

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Raising Lazarus (Healing After Abortion)

8/20/2019

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Wait A Little Longer

Adara my sweet daughter. It feels so warming to finally call you by name. I can see you now. The fog has cleared and my path is now known. For so long I denied you, for longer still I ignored you. Once I acknowledged you I was ashamed to call you mine. Ever so patiently... you waited a little longer, for me to see the way.
I hurt you and I betrayed you. Then I clung to the hurt I had in fear without it I would forget. That without the hurt that consumed me, you would become a distant thought. It was something I couldn't bear to part with. I could not forget what I had done so I drove the hurt deep into my heart. Patiently... you waited a little longer, for me to embrace healing.
So today my darling girl, I accept that healing. I no longer call myself a murderer. For that is a label the devil gave me and is now removed. For you, by the grace of Jesus, I now call myself your mother. My vision of you is embedded in my heart and forever in my mind. How I long to see you, to hold you! I long to smell your sweet hair and feel your gentle hands around my neck. To hear you whisper, "I love you mommy, it's okay, you don't need to cry anymore."
But for now I hear you say... "mommy wait a little longer".

Love,
Your mom

PS - Be your brother's keeper until mommy comes home and can hold you both tight, in the meadow of my dreams.

I had let go of my daughter Adara over 15 years ago. Until this past weekend I didn't realize I had stopped living. Sure I had fun times, great days, blessings overflowing. But my ever present depression was always knocking at the next door, threatening to come out. For most of that time I hid the secret of what I had done fearful of what people would say. When I would go in for my prenatal appointments of my three children and they would ask how many pregnancies I had I would usually lie. For when it came down to losing Adara and her brother it never failed the nurse would ask, "miscarriage or termination?" and my anxiety would race. How ashamed I was to be there to have my other three children after what I had done. I couldn't accept the blessing God was offering me.
My poor husband for years he had thought it was his doing that had changed me. I kept telling him it was not him, there was something wrong with me. I had everything I had ever wanted, was living the life I had always dreamed. But I could never put my finger on my persistent feeling of going through the motions but fighting every second to try to be joyful. I had gone from a patient and compassionate mother to one that was grumpy, short tempered, annoyed even; and it was only getting worse. Even after seeing the movie Unplanned I could not come out of the dark capsule I seemed to be stuck in. From the outside most people probably thought that was just who I was.
It wasn't until after seeing Unplanned that I realized God was not finished with closing up the scar in my soul. So He pressed me to reach out for help, and flat out told me I could not further my ministry until I could fully close up this old wound. I listened to Him and scheduled a help with a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat. The week leading up to the retreat I wanted so badly to back out, to not go and pretend I didn't need what God was offering. But I swallowed those feelings, packed my bags, and kissed my family good-bye. I can not tell you how glad I am for the technology we have! During the ride I put on a podcast of one of my Pastor's recent sermons on God and His waiting period. It took away my anxiousness and yes, the fear as well. It gave me a glimmer of hope that these past years were a waiting period for me and now the waiting might be finished. Was it possible to truly live again?

To go into the experiences I had at my retreat would be so long I would have to write a book. In a nutshell it took me from a state of pain and dare I say pride, to a place of acceptance and peace. So I will just tell you my turning point. In my letter to Adara I speak of a meadow at the end. This meadow was described in vividness to me and it became a place of realization for me. Despite being only in my mind, I truly felt I was there. Later during my prayer time by myself I was playing worship music and I felt like I just didn't want to be the one talking to Jesus anymore; I wanted to hear from Him instead. So I put on a song with no lyrics. While this song played my pain came pouring out. I did not dry a single tear I shed that weekend. I let them flow away, years of toxic labels and self loathing. I cried out my pain during this song as I saw my sweet Adara and my sweet daughter Briseis playing in this meadow. I saw them running away, holding hands while their brothers chased them and they all laughed. I saw Jesus, standing next to me, laughing at their silly play. And I remember Him telling me, "See, Briseis has a sister" and for the first time I let a little pain go. I did not let it all go, not until the last day when I said good-bye to Adara in my letter.
It was then, only then, did I begin to see my life as redeemed. I felt the joy and release of the pain and the excitement to start living again. God knows we will fail Him, He knows we will hurt ourselves and others, He knows we will beat ourselves up about our short comings. But God does not wish for us to stay in that place of torment, self-injury, self-loathing. No, He wishes for us to forgive ourselves and to learn from our mistakes. That is all. There is no going back to the past, so we must learn to let go of it. So if that is you, please don't dwell there, for it is where the devil plays a nasty trick of making you relive the hurts of the past. Instead, accept God's blessing of wisdom and grow in your faith because of it. There is a plan in the works for the mistakes we make. A great design is beginning to unfold, we just can't see the big picture yet.
So I take each day at a time. God never said all burdens would leave, but He did promise to be with us every step of the way. And now every step I take has a new pep to it, every word I speak has a new fire about it. Though there will be times to rub the scar and shed a tear or two in remembrance of my daughter, it will no longer be a well of pain I am fighting to hold down deep. The wound is healed and now it is time to go out and use my story to help others out there that are fighting to live, feeling like the fog is where they must stay.

Romans 8:28-34,37 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died - more than that, who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us...
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

A special thank you to all the foundations and facilities who help women see the value of life, the healing of God, and the power of their testimonies ~

***For my personal testimony go to www.halfwaytosundaymom.com/blog/losing-control***

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Strategy 5: Attacking Your Confidence As A Mother (Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Motherhood)

8/13/2019

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If I was your enemy I would constantly remind you of your past mistakes and poor choices as a mother. I'd want to keep you burdened with shame and guilt, in hopes that you'll feel incapacitated by your many failings and struggle to keep your passion, focus, identity and even your family on a Christlike path ~

I was watching Mama Mia last night and the song came on where the lead is singing about wanting time to slow down with her daughter. The lyrics are so vivid about the time that has past that I cried. The lyrics are how I am already feeling with my daughter. Now, I love my boys but there is a special bond between Briseis and me. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact I had not wanted a daughter, especially as my first child. But God has a sense of humor and to this day, the feeling I got when the doctors set her on my chest and her big blues eyes looked up at me, has never been repeated. Anyway, as I lay crying after the song I tried to sleep but a flood of my failures as a mom to her came washing over me. I have to be careful when this happens because if I can't stop it, it will overflow to the boys and Lance and before I know it I just want all of us in one bed together where I be close to them. LOL! But I did stop it before I got to that point, but it was too late for the attack on my failing of Briseis. Needless to say I couldn't sleep until I snuggled up next to her and prayed for the memories of past failures to be veiled.
The devil is crafty like this. He loves to make our hearts ache with regret and to force us to relive failures like on a movie reel. But here is the thing; he really holds no power over this, he just wants you to think he does. So lets look at how he does this to our worn and weary souls.

The first way he will attack you, is through your past. Whether it was something small, like punishing one of your children when they actually had done nothing wrong; to something big, like snapping at them to the point they cried just because they accidentally spilled their drink. The devil IS going to use this against us at every turn. He will use it to poke holes in our future with our children. He will make it a rerun in our minds that is nothing short of a horror film. He will convince us that our mistakes with our children are worse then everybody else.
The second way is, judgement of other mothers. Watch out for this trap!!! If the devil can't rattle our confidence, can't make us feel judged, he WILL try turning us into judges of other mother's mistakes (now a days we call this the comparison game). He is very good with this one. I have caught myself doing it multiple times, even when I know better, "Oh she has no idea... If she doesn't nip that now then ... I'm glad I was able to stop doing that unlike her..." It is wrong, always stay humble, and offer help.
The last way is what I like to call, The Merry-Go-Round Effect. This is another tactic he is great at luring us into. We see a mom that has something together we don't, we lose years off our life trying to get to their point, and when it happens we then see another mom ahead on something else and the cycle starts right back over again. He wants us to waste so much of our valuable time with our kids trying to get them caught up to the kid down the street. Sadly he wins at this a lot. He puts a veil over our eyes to the areas our children are excelling at, draining us of our joy of where they are in THEIR lives by having us obsess with someone else's child.

The past is the past. It doesn't have permission to touch us anymore. We are confident in who we are as mothers and what our goal is! We have tools to help us, we have our passion as mothers, our focus as mothers, our identities as mothers, and because God's wisdom we have our families to hold us accountable to falling into these "pity parties" ~

So what are OUR ways to fight back against the devil's assaults in this area? In a nutshell is boils down to being CONFIDENT in who we are as mothers! Our past mistakes may have left a scar but we know how to use that to STRENGTHEN our confidence. You, mother, can do this by breaking it down into 3 steps.

Step 1: Pray, pray, pray

At this point it is pretty obvious in all things we need to talk (because that is all prayer is, simply talking to our Father) to our Lord. Yes, He knows what we are thinking already, but he LOVES to hear us say it non the less. Give thanks to our Father who lives outside of time and because of that sees the past as obsolete. Ask for forgiveness when we do make mistakes. And then mediate on what you were able to gain in wisdom out of the failure.

Isaiah 64:8 - But now, Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We are the work of your hands.

Step 2: Learn from the failure

We may be grown adults, but we are still learning how to do this parenting gig every day. It will never stop so we need to be prepared to remain teachable pupils. Be eager to learn so we may pass down that knowledge to our children and they to their children and so on.

Ephesians 1:7-9 - Through the blood of his Son, we are set free from our sins. God forgives our failures because of his overflowing kindness. He poured out his kindness by giving us every kind of wisdom and insight when he revealed the mystery of his plan to us. He decided to do this through Christ.

Step 3: Share your revealed wisdom

In the movie "War Room" there is a point when the young mother realizes that her mentor prayed for God to send her someone she could pass down her knowledge and wisdom to. To keep that person from "stepping on the same land mines" she had. Our confidence as mothers needs to be so great that for EVERY FAIL we make we can hold our heads high because that becomes a teachable moment to other mothers (and our own children). They need to know we are CONFIDENT in our failures because of the grace and love God has for us! "So talk it up, devil. Because as high as you choose to ratchet it up, you're only showing off ' the breadth and length and height and depth' (Eph. 3:18) of the love of Christ extended toward me!" ~Fervent Do you see??!! For every attack we lose against the devil, every single one, it only further proves HOW MUCH WE ARE LOVED BY GOD AND HOW CONFIDENT GOD IS THAT WE ARE THE MOTHERS FOR OUR CHILDREN, NO ONE ELSE WOULD FIT THE PART. How awesome is that? It is like the coolest episode of Law and Order because the two lawyers are Jesus and Satan and they are both fighting for our souls, but no matter what the tongue of the serpent utters, it only makes him further lose his case. Have confidence in that if nothing else!

Isaiah 43:16, 18-19 - Thus says the Lord...Do not call to mind the FORMER things, or ponder things of the PAST. Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.

***Our past mistakes as mothers do not define us as mothers, instead they are like the wrinkles on an old lady. Proof of a life well lived and good lessons learned along the way. She walks with confidence down the street, proud to share her life story to a willing ear.***

Hebrews 10:35-36 - So don't lose your confidence. It will bring you a great reward. You need endurance so that after you have done what God wants you to do, you can receive what he has promised ~

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Dads Please Stop Saying This To Our Men

8/6/2019

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Yesterday we started our first day of homeschooling for this year. I always have the kids wear the same shirt (and one day it will actually fit them!) and they hold up a piece of paper that states their name, year of school, favorite color and what they want to be when they grow up. We my oldest son put that he wants to be a knight when he grows up because his God-sister is a princess (yes, that is exactly the reason he gave me and I didn't even ask why he chose it. LOL). It made me start to consider the whole "knight in shining armor" fantasy children tend to have when they are young. So precious.
Fast forward to the time you were dating boys and I'm sure all of you have heard your dad say it at least once to a boyfriend. Tell me if this sounds familiar, "Don't you break her heart" or "Don't you hurt her" or some other comment meant to protect coming from your dad's mouth. See, I can relate a little to my dad because I don't want my daughter or my sons getting hurt by anyone let alone a boyfriend or girlfriend. No, honestly if I knew how and when they would get hurt it would be hard for me to not be waiting in the perfect spot to ambush the one who hurt them. So I know my dad only had my best interest at heart and I know he loved me so much he wanted to try and control something he never could have controlled...my husband's actions. See I love my dad. I was and still am a daddy's girl. For my wedding he wrote me this beautiful short story-poem titled "In The Land Of A Father's Heart". I cried when we danced at my wedding because he was relinquishing his power of protection to my husband. And for a girl that loves her daddy, that was a hard thing to accept.

Here is the thing though. My dad was telling my "man" not to hurt me when in fact growing up that is all I saw my mom and dad do to each other. I didn't understand it then, but as a wife and mother now, I understand all to well. My dad was telling my husband not to do something that he himself was doing. He wasn't meaning to be hypocritical by any means. All he saw was a daughter that he loved and didn't want to get hurt, not realizing he was forgetting about his very own wife.
When our fathers give our men a command such as "Don't you hurt her", they are giving them an impossible challenge. That impossible challenge puts immense pressure on them from that point on. It's not that they are meaning to do so, they are just looking out for their baby girls. But the fact remains, our men will hurt us.
The bible is very clear that every single person we love will let us down at one point or another. If that wasn't the case then we could find someone other than Christ to lean on. Your friends, your family, your husband and yes, even your children will at some point let you down. At some point they will hurt you, either intentionally or unintentionally. When our fathers say to our men they better not hurt us they are in turn setting our men up for failure, because it is an impossible goal.
You may be asking me right about now, "But Christen, what harm does that do to me? I want my man to know my dad expects him to take care of me?" and I do see that point. But here is the catch...it ends up hurting us in the long run. When my dad told my husband this, long before he was my husband, it put a false sense of love on the relationship. By my dad saying this I took it as a sign that if my husband never hurt me then he was my "true love". That in lies the problem. They first time my husband couldn't stand up to this goal I felt depressed. I was so sure he was the one I wanted to spend my life with, but now he had hurt me, my knight in shining armor had failed me. This happened throughout our dating. Little things, nothing major, little fights about things I can't even remember now. It is only by God's grace and intervening that I stayed with him instead of ending it and continuing my search for a man that could stand up to my dad's high standards. Then my husband made a terrible mistake, a mistake that hurt worse then anything he had done or has ever done since. But God works all things for His glory. So I give Him all the glory that despite my husband's mistake I stayed by his side and let God make our marriage stronger then ever before.
As mothers raising children we have to be very careful how we handle getting hurt. My dad set unrealistic expectations on my husband (and previous boyfriends), expectations that he himself couldn't keep to my mom. Our children are watching us. They need to know there is no such thing as a "knight in shining armor". That fictional character is not real life, there is no riding off into the sunset. Marriage is HARD because it is like anything good and sacred and the devil has his eyes set on making hurts the cause of ending something sacred. Our daughters need to know what to look for in their husbands; men chasing Jesus, who are going to make mistakes and hurt us, but that will keep fighting for them until the end. Our sons need to know to seek Jesus and His heart, that no one is perfect and we all mess up and hurt people, but to never stop fighting for their wives.
As a mother I want my daughter to still have her innocence, she is only 7 after all. So she is not ready to hear that her future husband will mess up and hurt her even if he doesn't mean to. But there will come a time soon when I will have to start telling her to look past the facade of "her knight" and see the man God has for her, with the knowledge that getting hurt it something we experience from every single person we love, but to press on and fight for the relationship. For my sons, who again are too young to need to know these things, but someday they wont be; I will tell them what to look for in their "princess". To look for women who can forgive when they accidentally don't tell them how beautiful they look, or if they have a fight and things are said they wish they had held their tongues on.
Lastly, we need to communicate this to our husbands. Remind them of the pressure they were under and the feeling of disappointment they had when they couldn't live up to a certain expectation. And us? Mothers, we need to be able to forgive our husbands when they fall short of making the mark. Heck, if we are being honest, we have done the same to them. Said hurtful things, made remarks we wish we could take back. It is human nature, intended to assure we would only lean on one person throughout life in 100% security, and his name is Jesus Christ.

Because in the end we all want our children to have a better marriage then we have, and the only way to help that happen is to love, serve, and forgive. Because ultimately that is what our children are watching. They are watching how we love each other, how we serve each other and how we forgive each other.

Colossians 3:12-14 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony ~

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Previous Blogs

~ The Blogs of A Halfway To Sunday Mom ~

Second Or First

1. Sleeping Alone

2. Financial Responsibility

3. I Would Have To Kill...Scorpions

4. I'd Have No Best Friend

The Trip

Strategy 10: Attacking Your Relationship With Your Children (Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Motherhood)

Step 1: Pray WITH Your Children

Step 2: Communicate WITH Your Children

Step 3: Grow YOUR Army

Strategy #9: Attacking Your Heart (Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Motherhood)

Step 1: HONEST Prayer

Step 2: Accept Resistance

Step 3: Enjoy Freedom

Strategy 8: Attacking Your Rest (Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Motherhood)

Step 1: Take Inventory

Step 2: Pray

Step 3: Applying It

Strategy 7: Watch Out For Parasites (Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Motherhood)

Step 1: Prayer

Step 2: Read the Word

Step 3: Fellowship

Step 4: Change The Environment

Strategy #6 - Attacking Your Calling Of Motherhood (Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Motherhood)

Step 1: Prayer

Step 2: Don't Play The "What If" Game

Step 3: Be Confident

Step 4: Find Peace And Comfort

Raising Lazarus (Healing After Abortion)

Strategy 5: Attacking Your Confidence As A Mother (Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Motherhood)

Step 1: Pray, pray, pray

Step 2: Learn from the failure

Step 3: Share your revealed wisdom

Dads Please Stop Saying This To Our Men