I see you walk out of your room, your little curls bobbing up and down. You have been walking for over a year now, but your steps are still that cute little awkward step of a toddler. You are wearing your "daddy shirt" which the smallest size was a girl's small. It comes down to your toes, awe, your toes. Those cute, small toes, that I painted for the first time the other day. You are timid as you approach me with your big blue eyes staring at my face. You are watching every movement of my face, gauging my potential reaction to your approach. I smile at you through gritted teeth, trying to hold off the feeling of heartburn, or is it nausea? These days it seems to be both. You waddle over to me and in your meekest little voice ask, "Mommy are you still sleeping? Mommy can you play with me?". I am quick to respond, "Not right now sweetie. Mommy doesn't feel good." and I watch the hurt in your eyes that you are trying to hide. I follow up with, "Once your brother is here I will be able to play more." You are such a good little girl, you accept my words as truth, give me a tender hug and kiss my cheek, and walk back to your room, to play...alone.
How was I, a naive, first time time mom, to know that I was lying to my sweet little Peanut? Once her brother came there were late nights up feeding. During the day there was her brother that needed most of my attention. Little did I know three months later I would have to tell my sweet and patient girl that I again could not crawl under her bed anymore because I was pregnant again. Little did I know I had lost precious time that could never be retrieved. Oh the heartache it brings a mother, knowing time has been lost, promises broken, hurts made; and the only thing you can do is press on, try to do better from here on out, not dwell on the lost time.
I remember by daughter Briseis, we were at the doctor's appointment having my ultrasound done to look at her soon to be second brother. I laughed when she broke down, I even took a picture, but deep in my heart I was breaking with her. I knew then all the promises I had made her about how things would "go back" to being like they were between her and I, once her brother came. I knew I had broken her trust. She was 2 years old when she thought I would hold true to my promises. She was 2 and a half when I lost her trust by telling her another sibling was on the way.
What hurts me the most is I had never wanted a girl. I had wanted boys and that was it. I felt I was an annoying daughter to my mom and I certainly didn't want to raise an annoying daughter. A daughter that would make silly animal sounds when she used her imagination, a daughter who would not be a perfect little princess. Briseis was sent to me by God as my first for a very good reason. He knew all along my daughter would change my world, that she would change my heart; that she would make me a fighter as a mom should be. He knew I would need her as much as she needed me. The feeling I got when the doctor placed her on my stomach was never repeated with her brothers. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys, but I had known I had wanted them. My feeling with Briseis were like when the Grinch's heart grew and bust the seams of the screen.
The regret of lost time with just her and I has been weighing heavy on me lately. Mother, if you are a first time mom and are pregnant again, cherish the time with it just being your first and you. Push through the morning sickness, push through the heartburn, push through the fatigue. I promise you, you don't want the regret of losing this last chance to be with just your little one. It is too late for Briseis and I, and it kills me when her brothers are mean or she feels I am paying too much attention to them. She will say she is fine now, lying to hide her true feelings. And if I am not paying attention I will go on with my day, but if I am paying attention to her facial expression or mood she will open up that she misses our time together. I know she will soon forget being an only child, but for now it causing a flood of regret. I wish I had gotten up off that couch for the nine months it took to make her brother and did everything I could. I wish I had known what I would be losing. We have a great relationship and it is growing really well, but it is different now. I wish I could go back to relive it once last time, just once last time of it being just her and I. I wasted so much time!
After Leonidas was born I said to myself, "I'll be the same mom to him that I am to Briseis". Oh my sweet boy, another lie. Once again, I had little idea that he would not even have turned one before his brother came. Not only that, but that three weeks later we would move into their grandparents house while we waited for our home to sell. The decision was best, driving home to two dead bodies in the shop down the road from you would make any mother want out of there. It was so hard for my little guy, not even one yet, the baby of the family, and boom! Just like that he isn't the baby anymore, he can't even comprehend why. I will never forget sitting at my in-laws house feeding my youngest and Leonidas comes up, not even walking yet, with out stretched arms, and wants me to hold him... and I couldn't because his little brother was feeding. Rejko was a surprise, so it caught us all of guard and we all loved him a ton. But there is hurt non the less, hurt of forcing my not even one year old to grow up a little faster. Little did I know in just a month or so he would scare all of us with a mass on his head. I remember pleading with God to spare him cancer. Our God works in mysterious ways. God was trying to get someone's attention through Leonidas, it was my husband. Their relationship had been rough from the get go because of GERD and Leonidas constantly cried as a baby. This mass made us realize it was because his head had been hurting and that brought them very close. God preformed a miracle in my son, it was not cancer, it was a mutated vein that was suppose to have an injection put into it to kill it. But miraculously, it went away on its own, the vein is still there but the best the doctors can come up with is it's in a dormant state.
See during this time at the in-laws, there wasn't a lot to do and my kids were being so good. Yet once again, I would have two little people walk up to me and ask me to play. I still had not learned my lesson from Briseis. Now I was on to social media creating Halfway To Sunday. I was so engrossed in the abortion information that was coming out I wanted to fight back and unite mothers. Once I got it going I would be there for my kids. But days turned into years and I never made good on my intentions. Living at my in-laws I had to take care of two rooms and a bathroom. I had plenty of time to make good on past promises. But once again I let time slip away. Even now Leonidas will ask if mommy can sleep with him and I find myself not wanting to because then I can't get on my phone before bed. So I again make up an excuse saying, "Not tonight, maybe in a few nights I will.". Don't be blinded or numb to when your children are needing you for security or simply they just want to be with you. Don't step on the land mind of what you want when what you need is right where you are, holding your child.
Little did I know, that my addiction to social media would steal my time away from all my children. So many hours I missed watching them play. So many days I missed joining in on their play. So many times I just missed what mattered most. Rejko has probably had it the easiest being the youngest. He hasn't had the pleasure of watching a mom go from being patient, kind, slow to anger, loving and caring (like Briseis had); to easier to upset, easier to become frustrated, reclusive (like Leonidas had); to short tempered, overwhelmed, agitated. That is the mom Rejko gets.
Now I know some of you will say "Give yourself grace mom" and run off the list of what I am doing. I do give myself grace and a lot of it. But I am also not content with the mother I am right now. I love my children and I try to show it so they always know. I am a good mom and I do a lot for my children. I am a strong mom and I make sure they see that. But I want to be a better mom, a mom more like I was when it was just Briseis and me. I yearn for that. I don't want another milestone to hit me out of the blue. Like when Rejko woke up one morning and he looked different. I realized it fast, he had lost his baby cheeks over night it seemed. In reality it wasn't over night, I'm sure it was a gradual thing, but to a disconnected mom it seemed over night.
Mommies, I am not willing to wait a second longer to spend my life present with my children. I am not willing to risk tomorrow not coming before I wake up to the blessings God gave me. Mommies, we have the MOST important CAREER in the world, being mothers. So because of this I am saying a farewell to social media, all of it. I want to be a present mom not a mom that can't read a book for bed because I need to write my blog. I want to be a mom that does crafts again not just for a holiday but just because. I want to do better for my children. I have spent so much time and energy chasing anything but motherhood. A business in marketing, a business in blogging, a business in writing, when all along God had the perfect business for me, motherhood. I am tired moms, tired of all the cares of the world being shouted out on social media. Tired of the hate and cruelness and anger and I can't get away from it until I shut off the social media outlets. I will continue to blog WHEN IT IS CONVENIENT FOR ME. That may mean few see what I have to say, it may mean this never becomes a monetary business; but you know what? I am now more then okay with that, I am excited to give this motherhood business 100% again. It has been far to long. So I can't tell you when I will post a new blog, may be a week, a month, a year... maybe never. I will leave that to God to put on my heart. But for now I am 100% committed to just mommy, because that is truly all I ever wanted, to just mommy...
So from one mother, who has lost so much time, to you mommy; put the phone away, shut down the social media sites. Take back your greatest achievement and be present, fully present with your blessings. Relearn how to give every day the best and end each night with your children drifting off with fun memories of YOU and them. Be content mothers to just mommy, because it will only last a short while, and that my dear friends is certain.