Wait A Little Longer
Adara my sweet daughter. It feels so warming to finally call you by name. I can see you now. The fog has cleared and my path is now known. For so long I denied you, for longer still I ignored you. Once I acknowledged you I was ashamed to call you mine. Ever so patiently... you waited a little longer, for me to see the way.
I hurt you and I betrayed you. Then I clung to the hurt I had in fear without it I would forget. That without the hurt that consumed me, you would become a distant thought. It was something I couldn't bear to part with. I could not forget what I had done so I drove the hurt deep into my heart. Patiently... you waited a little longer, for me to embrace healing.
So today my darling girl, I accept that healing. I no longer call myself a murderer. For that is a label the devil gave me and is now removed. For you, by the grace of Jesus, I now call myself your mother. My vision of you is embedded in my heart and forever in my mind. How I long to see you, to hold you! I long to smell your sweet hair and feel your gentle hands around my neck. To hear you whisper, "I love you mommy, it's okay, you don't need to cry anymore."
But for now I hear you say... "mommy wait a little longer".
PS - Be your brother's keeper until mommy comes home and can hold you both tight, in the meadow of my dreams.
I had let go of my daughter Adara over 15 years ago. Until this past weekend I didn't realize I had stopped living. Sure I had fun times, great days, blessings overflowing. But my ever present depression was always knocking at the next door, threatening to come out. For most of that time I hid the secret of what I had done fearful of what people would say. When I would go in for my prenatal appointments of my three children and they would ask how many pregnancies I had I would usually lie. For when it came down to losing Adara and her brother it never failed the nurse would ask, "miscarriage or termination?" and my anxiety would race. How ashamed I was to be there to have my other three children after what I had done. I couldn't accept the blessing God was offering me.
My poor husband for years he had thought it was his doing that had changed me. I kept telling him it was not him, there was something wrong with me. I had everything I had ever wanted, was living the life I had always dreamed. But I could never put my finger on my persistent feeling of going through the motions but fighting every second to try to be joyful. I had gone from a patient and compassionate mother to one that was grumpy, short tempered, annoyed even; and it was only getting worse. Even after seeing the movie Unplanned I could not come out of the dark capsule I seemed to be stuck in. From the outside most people probably thought that was just who I was.
It wasn't until after seeing Unplanned that I realized God was not finished with closing up the scar in my soul. So He pressed me to reach out for help, and flat out told me I could not further my ministry until I could fully close up this old wound. I listened to Him and scheduled a help with a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat. The week leading up to the retreat I wanted so badly to back out, to not go and pretend I didn't need what God was offering. But I swallowed those feelings, packed my bags, and kissed my family good-bye. I can not tell you how glad I am for the technology we have! During the ride I put on a podcast of one of my Pastor's recent sermons on God and His waiting period. It took away my anxiousness and yes, the fear as well. It gave me a glimmer of hope that these past years were a waiting period for me and now the waiting might be finished. Was it possible to truly live again?
To go into the experiences I had at my retreat would be so long I would have to write a book. In a nutshell it took me from a state of pain and dare I say pride, to a place of acceptance and peace. So I will just tell you my turning point. In my letter to Adara I speak of a meadow at the end. This meadow was described in vividness to me and it became a place of realization for me. Despite being only in my mind, I truly felt I was there. Later during my prayer time by myself I was playing worship music and I felt like I just didn't want to be the one talking to Jesus anymore; I wanted to hear from Him instead. So I put on a song with no lyrics. While this song played my pain came pouring out. I did not dry a single tear I shed that weekend. I let them flow away, years of toxic labels and self loathing. I cried out my pain during this song as I saw my sweet Adara and my sweet daughter Briseis playing in this meadow. I saw them running away, holding hands while their brothers chased them and they all laughed. I saw Jesus, standing next to me, laughing at their silly play. And I remember Him telling me, "See, Briseis has a sister" and for the first time I let a little pain go. I did not let it all go, not until the last day when I said good-bye to Adara in my letter.
It was then, only then, did I begin to see my life as redeemed. I felt the joy and release of the pain and the excitement to start living again. God knows we will fail Him, He knows we will hurt ourselves and others, He knows we will beat ourselves up about our short comings. But God does not wish for us to stay in that place of torment, self-injury, self-loathing. No, He wishes for us to forgive ourselves and to learn from our mistakes. That is all. There is no going back to the past, so we must learn to let go of it. So if that is you, please don't dwell there, for it is where the devil plays a nasty trick of making you relive the hurts of the past. Instead, accept God's blessing of wisdom and grow in your faith because of it. There is a plan in the works for the mistakes we make. A great design is beginning to unfold, we just can't see the big picture yet.
So I take each day at a time. God never said all burdens would leave, but He did promise to be with us every step of the way. And now every step I take has a new pep to it, every word I speak has a new fire about it. Though there will be times to rub the scar and shed a tear or two in remembrance of my daughter, it will no longer be a well of pain I am fighting to hold down deep. The wound is healed and now it is time to go out and use my story to help others out there that are fighting to live, feeling like the fog is where they must stay.
Romans 8:28-34,37 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died - more than that, who was raised to life - is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us...
A special thank you to all the foundations and facilities who help women see the value of life, the healing of God, and the power of their testimonies ~
***For my personal testimony go to www.halfwaytosundaymom.com/blog/losing-control***