It used to be so fun. I used to have so much joy. I would be eager to awake to the sounds of laughter coming from their beds. But things have changed. Life has worn me thin. I can feel the inevitable outcome ... I am failing. There used to be so much hope, there used to be so much patience. But now I find myself falling before the days even begin. I look to You for help, for strength, yet none is coming at the pace I want. I yell and scream because I'm empty of everything else. I know I am not perfect and that should be okay. But how do you explain that to little ones who think you should be? This is so hard!
I am up against a wall. No answers have been given. Even now I feel that I am just rambling. My energy has turned to a breeze, it takes on whatever emotion I happen to blow towards. I hate it! I hear you tell me to be patient, this is the process in which I must go through. My heart yells in protest to the truth. This is so hard.
So I wait. As patiently as I can. Each day, each hour, each minute is a new chance to try again. It will always be hard, but then again most things that are worth it are.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9 ~
I can't be sure when I wrote this, it's been years. But I am at a point in which God has moved me out of that season. Yes, you heard that right fellow mother. You will get through this time. I will not lie to you, it was hard. Having 3 children 3 and under was a lot like biting off more than I could chew. Yet, here I am today with three amazing and beautiful children. Thank you Lord that I didn't cause them too much damage in the beginning! After all there was the one time Briseis fell off the bed and landed on her head! Or the time or maybe it was times, I wasn't paying 100% attention to Rejko in the pool and he went under for just a second. But it felt like I was the worst mom ever even if it was for only a second. Yes, in those sleep deprived and exhausted days God saw me through to the other side. He gave me the strength to get up each morning and keep on trucking.
Now, I don't know where you are with your journey of motherhood. Maybe you are just beginning and you can't remember the last full night of sleep you had. And that might not even be because the baby isn't sleeping it could be the millions of questions and concerns you have for them that keeps you up. Or perhaps you have toddlers that have figured out that there are boundaries and that they are tons of fun to push. So your normal routine days are now disturbed with toilets overflowing and food in places you never had to clean before. It could very well be that you are in the early school years. Whether you send them off to school or school them in your home the concerns are the same. What if they never read, what if they don't make friends, what if they always write that sloppy (I mean, is that even letters or just a funky doodle).
Coming out of those hectic seasons and getting to taste the familiar aroma of routine and quiet is something I have prayed for for years now. As my children grew, the pace of life sped up to unprecedented speeds. I hated it! Yep, down right hated it! As the speed begins to slow because now my nights are no longer disturbed (well, there is that occasional nightmare still and I am right there for them), and boundaries are not pushed as often, and they can read, have friends, and can write; I find myself looking back. There is no denying the trials, sorrows and LOTS of grey hairs I acquired that I don't wish to repeat. However, there is heartache looking back at old photos and missing those baby cheeks that have since been replaced with sharp cheek bones. Funky little words and phrases that weren't quite annunciated right that are now articulated so clearly. Snuggles that have been replaced with "good night" instead. And the hardest one for me, going from mommy to simply mom no matter how hard I try to cling to it.
So mother beware of praying your way out of the season God has you in with your family. For all moments are precious. As I look ahead and begin walking, I will begin following in the footsteps of mothers with high schoolers, college students, married children. Some of you reading this are already there. If you could respond you would warn me to continue to just be present where I am at, to enjoy each moment no matter how painful. I would reply that I hear you and I will. Each season with our children will have its ups and its great downs. But from one mother to another I compel you to not pray it away but instead pray through it.
Take it all in. The good, the bad, the dirty. The cries in the night that worry you because they can't talk yet because it goes hand in hand with the intimacy of them laying on your chest. Or the accidents in the bathroom because they struggle to understand why water has to stay in the tub because it goes hand in had with cuddles as you read them a book. The fears that go with having to navigate a learning disability that seems like a unclimbable mountain because it go hand in hand with one on one time to let them know how special they are to you. It's all worth it, every second is worth it. I promise you, IT IS HARD, but it is all PRICELESS.
It has been several years at this point. The season of life that had me so busy I could no longer blog and be a good mom is over (I hope :\). Since that time I have been in a state of total writer's block. No excerpts, no books, no poems, no vision what so ever. I had become discouraged and stale longing for new inspiration to hit me!
Finally, I actually went to God and asked Him why no more inspiration? Was I too prideful in what I had already posted? Was I simply all used up and put on God's shelf? Had He just wanted me to post what was already posted and that was it? Discouragement at times would even morph into anger and confusion. Once I finished my last pity party I was quiet enough to hear Him.
And then it was like BOOM!!!!
Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. Luke 16:10
The answer was right in front of me, with my OWN SELFISH ACTIONS! Yikes!!!! I had gotten it into my head that the other excerpts (and they are many, many, many) that God had given me were not as good as what lay in my future ones. I had the notion that what God would reveal to me next would certainly be better than ones I had already written. You know, because I totally knew what my followers needed to be reading more than God. Oh and those other people who would just happen upon my blogs by chance? Well, I guess I allowed myself to become unaligned to God's will and they weren't even on my radar. I became so focused on my blogs not spreading on my timeline that I debated letting the site shut down. But the Holy Spirit would never let me hit that "cancel subscription" button. Why?
It was simple. God had given me inspiration to help mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, women. The inspiration of each except was to help a fellow sister that I would never meet most likely this side of heaven. But I became self centered, simply because I thought some of these other works weren't as good as ones that had been published. Wow! I am ashamed of myself.
So it boiled down to, I showed God that I could not be trusted with the little He had given me and therefore, I could not be trusted with more. In realizing this I had to eat a nice, cold slice of humble pie.
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. James 4:10 ~
The best way to be humble is to admit when you are wrong, "Father, forgive me for taking a gift you gave me and not utilizing it because I was being selfish and wanted more". Next is to repent, that is to turn in the opposite direction. That is my plan from here on out. This mommy blogger is back, no matter how big or small, no matter if I have thousands of followers or just you. You, worn out mother, reading this post as you are trying to cling to every lifeline you can find, trusting God to give you the strength you need. Maybe I have posted something that has you coming back. Maybe your comfort from God will be published in one of my upcoming excepts.
God could not bless my writing because I didn't complete what He had already given me. I was asking for desert before finishing my dinner. As a mother I see this in my life in too many areas. Yep, that's right, I don't have it all together. Not by a long shot! But my prayer is that He will continue to use me to be a blessing to you, and in turn I may be found trustworthy in His eyes. To conclude and to open this relaunch with proof of a mom just like you, I will share my first "Forgotten Except" today with you. Enjoy and God bless.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Psalm 32:8 ~
What You See
You tell me what you see as we catch up at a play date. You tell me you see a mom who has it all together. You tell me how I'm a super mom because of all the extras I am doing. What you see goes on, and like a good friend I accept your compliments with sincerity mixed in with some disbelief that you can't see my cracks and breaks.
Dear friend, if only you saw all the editing I do on my "highlight reel". There is so much that you do not see that I have deleted out. You don't see that most days this year I cried more than I ever smiled. You don't see the feeling of failure when I discipline one of my children that didn't really deserve it. You don't see the arguments I have with my husband because I can't acknowledge that I was wrong. You don't see my face every morning when I wake up and even I jump at the reflection looking back! And you don't see that almost every second of every day I am never happy... with me.
Highlight reels are awesome for inspiration and to help us do better. They help motivate us to be more. So, let me tell you what I see when I look at your highlight reel. I see a friend who captured the moments of her boys being boys in the mud with a love of life in their eyes. I see a family that travels to fun places together and have matching outfits to suit the occasion. I see silly selfies in the early morning. I see you going on dates with your husband like you were teenagers again. I see you sacrificing, because despite wanting that never ending " to do" list finished and everyone you care about happy including yourself; at the end of the day something has to give, so you act selflessly for everyone, even if it means you don't get that needed break. Most of all I see you trying your absolute hardest in this broken world to make it a better place.
So do not put yourself down during times when you feel you are failing. Because, I am seeing all the highlights of your success! You may not see them, but I do. You are the reason I aspire to be more; to do better for myself, my husband, my children. My dear friend, there will come a day in heaven when all we see are the highlights of this life, and just like you and me, the Father will have edited and deleted out all the failings. And I promise you there will be more to keep then to delete.