It has been the hardest few months of my life. I never knew the negative impact that social media could have on my naivety. Then to add insult to injury, being a mom who couldn't get help answering her questions from those who said they cared; yet without those questions answered she felt like she was lying to her children every day. But that is what happened and it has been the hardest journey to push on through.
By now you are wanting to know what possibly could I be talking about and why would it make me lose my faith? It all started when I was browsing through my twitter feed. I rarely do this, as I try to only be on social media to promote my blog, and to read about happy things. Seeing as there isn't much of that these days, more insult added to injury, I am just not on Twitter that much. But there I was scrolling down. A tweet came up, it was a tweet about a verse in the Bible not being in any Bible newer than the New King James version. Well naturally I had to see this for myself. Sure enough, the number for the verse was there in my NIV but not the verse that went with it.
My logic and reason started spiraling from that point on. First, I was naive about it and angry. I wanted to know why such context was removed from the Holy Bible (how can it be holy if it is being changed?). I had good willed friends and even a stranger point this upset mother to an article as to why this was happening. Unfortunately, the article paved the way for more questions. The article went on to say that it was doing this in newer Bible's to try and only put in original text and translations, something the New King James version and older failed. Apparently they had added to the so called Holy Bible. https://www.biblica.com/resources/bible-faqs/why-does-the-niv-bible-omit-or-have-missing-verses/ ( there are more then one of these links to confirm the reasoning).
This one seed of realization was beginning to eat away at my faith. The way that I saw it was, if the Bible could be altered by "so and so" because of "this and that" then ultimately the Bible is a very long story of telephone. For those moms that don't know this game, you basically say something in someone's ear and then they turn to the next person and say what they heard and so on and so on. By the time the last person says what the original person stated it is completely different. So, now doubt had begun to creep into my soul. If I couldn't believe every word of the Bible as true then what was true? And further more, it could now make it plausible (for the naive) to question whether God existed at all!!! Yep, there it is, I said it AND I meant it!! The doubt, logic and reason grew so strong that for about a month I doubted the existence of God Himself.
I know this sounds crazy after what I experienced at my Rachel's Vineyard retreat!!! And I HATED myself for it.
How could I believe what I experienced about my daughter, Adara and her brother, but doubt God's existence? Things were getting progressively worse to the point I was having a hard time praying with my kids at night because I felt I was lying to them. I felt like I was lying to them!!! Depression set in and so I pulled out the mask of "everything is okay" for my children. Again, the help I was needing and answers to questions that were making be LOSE my faith never came. I waited with silence from those who are suppose to help with this very thing. Then God put a memory in my head... (thank goodness someone cared enough for this poor mom). I do believe that despite my doubt, it was my concern for my children's eternal souls (you know, just in case, lol) and my continuing to read the Bible and pray (though it felt fake and empty for the first time in 36 years) were what saved me and opened my eyes.
Years ago, when my faith was strong but I was having the typical questions regarding God's sovereignty and why He allows bad things to happen, my sister gave me a book to read. I Don't Have Enough Faith To Be An Atheist is the name of the book. This book is not like any other Christian book you will ever read. What kind of book is it? It is a hard book to read. It is a hard book to comprehend. It is a book all about SCIENCE! In this book the references to the Bible are few. One quote in the book got my attention (I had to wait until chapter 3). Who did God send me to help me with my doubt? Albert Einstein, who stated "Science WITHOUT religion is lame; religion WITHOUT science is BLIND." Read that again if you have to mommy. It means we NEED to use science to back up our faith because if our truth only comes from the Bible (that can be changed) then what will we do when our children question the faith? We need to have more. This book will give you that. In correlation with the book A Case For Faith you will not risk the chance of doubt eating at your faith. You will lose the lenses of naivety and see the TRUTH through more then blind faith.
In the end, thanks to God, I have my faith restored and am a WISER mom going forth for my children.
Today was the first time I was able to pray and read the Bible and feel somewhat connected to Him in several months. My sister recently told me something that really stuck with me.
A plant that lives in doors and cared for can't hold up to the wind. So now and then the caretaker will stick the plant outside in the wind for a little while to strengthen its weak stem... before returning it inside.
Moms, most of us are the same way. God cares for us inside the comfort of the norm, but to keep us strong enough to weather the storms, He will put us out of the comfort zone now and then. What an awesome God we serve! God knew that I needed more then blind faith to shoot my children out into the world someday with their faith strong. So He stuck me outside and let the wind blow me over but never let it fully break me; and now He is starting to return me safely to where He had me and I will be stronger now. When my children questions things in the Bible I am going to have the wisdom to answer back more then just "God's ways are not our ways".
As mothers we can sometimes think we have all the answers, but in truth we are still just children of God with a lot of learning left to do.
2 Peter 1:5-8 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith, goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ ~