This Is So Hard

     It used to be so fun. I used to have so much joy. I would be eager to awake to the sounds of laughter coming from their beds. But things have changed. Life has worn me thin. I can feel the inevitable outcome ... I am failing. There used to be so much hope, there used to be so much patience. But now I find myself falling before the days even begin. I look to You for help, for strength, yet none is coming at the pace I want. I yell and scream because I'm empty of everything else. I know I am not perfect and that should be okay. But how do you explain that to little ones who think you should be? This is so hard!
​     I am up against a wall. No answers have been given. Even now I feel that I am just rambling. My energy has turned to a breeze, it takes on whatever emotion I happen to blow towards. I hate it! I hear you tell me to be patient, this is the process in which I must go through. My heart yells in protest to the truth. This is so hard.
     So I wait. As patiently as I can. Each day, each hour, each minute is a new chance to try again. It will always be hard, but then again most things that are worth it are.

​Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9 ~

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     I can't be sure when I wrote this, it's been years. But I am at a point in which God has moved me out of that season. Yes, you heard that right fellow mother. You will get through this time. I will not lie to you, it was hard. Having 3 children 3 and under was a lot like biting off more than I could chew. Yet, here I am today with three amazing and beautiful children. Thank you Lord that I didn't cause them too much damage in the beginning! After all there was the one time Briseis fell off the bed and landed on her head! Or the time or maybe it was times, I wasn't paying 100% attention to Rejko in the pool and he went under for just a second. But it felt like I was the worst mom ever even if it was for only a second. Yes, in those sleep deprived and exhausted days God saw me through to the other side. He gave me the strength to get up each morning and keep on trucking.
     Now, I don't know where you are with your journey of motherhood. Maybe you are just beginning and you can't remember the last full night of sleep you had. And that might not even be because the baby isn't sleeping it could be the millions of questions and concerns you have for them that keeps you up. Or perhaps you have toddlers that have figured out that there are boundaries and that they are tons of fun to push. So your normal routine days are now disturbed with toilets overflowing and food in places you never had to clean before. It could very well be that you are in the early school years. Whether you send them off to school or school them in your home the concerns are the same. What if they never read, what if they don't make friends, what if they always write that sloppy (I mean, is that even letters or just a funky doodle).
     Coming out of those hectic seasons and getting to taste the familiar aroma of routine and quiet is something I have prayed for for years now. As my children grew, the pace of life sped up to unprecedented speeds. I hated it! Yep, down right hated it! As the speed begins to slow because now my nights are no longer disturbed (well, there is that occasional nightmare still and I am right there for them), and boundaries are not pushed as often, and they can read, have friends, and can write; I find myself looking back. There is no denying the trials, sorrows and LOTS of grey hairs I acquired that I don't wish to repeat. However, there is heartache looking back at old photos and missing those baby cheeks that have since been replaced with sharp cheek bones. Funky little words and phrases that weren't quite annunciated right that are now articulated so clearly. Snuggles that have been replaced with "good night" instead. And the hardest one for me, going from mommy to simply mom no matter how hard I try to cling to it.
     So mother beware of praying your way out of the season God has you in with your family. For all moments are precious. As I look ahead and begin walking, I will begin following in the footsteps of mothers with high schoolers, college students, married children. Some of you reading this are already there. If you could respond you would warn me to continue to just be present where I am at, to enjoy each moment no matter how painful. I would reply that I hear you and I will. Each season with our children will have its ups and its great downs. But from one mother to another I compel you to not pray it away but instead pray through it. 
     Take it all in. The good, the bad, the dirty. The cries in the night that worry you because they can't talk yet because it goes hand in hand with the intimacy of them laying on your chest. Or the accidents in the bathroom because they struggle to understand why water has to stay in the tub because it goes hand in had with cuddles as you read them a book. The fears that go with having to navigate a learning disability that seems like a unclimbable mountain because it go hand in hand with one on one time to let them know how special they are to you. It's all worth it, every second is worth it. I promise you, IT IS HARD, but it is all PRICELESS.