~ The Blogs of A Halfway To Sunday Mom ~ |
Here I am, sitting at my desk with that all familiar choked up feeling in my throat. I let it happen again, I let the devil pull me down again by the busyness of the world. Have you been there mommy? I can't tell you how many times I get to this point in life where I am literally saying to myself, "Christen you promised you wouldn't do this again! You promised you would back off and do a slower pace." Does that sound like you tonight dear mother? Maybe you are drowning, maybe you are starting to feel the pull, or maybe you have been able to come up for air. So why? Why do us mothers continue to go back to the broken record that will in the end drown us? Why do I keep going back? It is a hard pill to swallow and a tear is falling as I write it. For me I keep coming back to this point because ultimately I am insecure. So why are we so insecure and why do we keep seeking out security to the point we start drowning from the busyness of our lives? Well for me I started out having insecurities. At an early age I was bullied for everything from where I lived to my name. Seriously, I once had a girl CUT MY HAIR because my name was the same as hers. Yeah. Anyway, then I got into modeling and dance. Two things that are sure to boost your security. And they did for a time, but only a time. Everything took a down hill spin when I went to a new modeling agency after completing one at another studio. They talked on an on about confidence. So when they asked us what letter (A, B, C) we thought we were. 'A' meant to start modeling to get your name out there and 'C' take some classes on modeling I took my secure self and claimed 'A". I was so confident since I had already done training and completed it. But did I get accepted as an 'A'? No, I was told I had gotten a 'C' that I needed more training, nutrition and some other "small things". I had all the confidence and training I needed, but because I was not as skinny as the other girls (I was normal just not on the low end of normal) I was told I would have to start over. Problems with insecurity you bet! Things got better towards the end of high school, but my body was an always nagging presence that was never quite good enough for me. Then I met my husband, well boyfriend at the time. He was SO HANDSOME and wanted to be with me! Naturally my insecurity began to alter to one of security. Almost got to the point of vanity. LOL. Anyway, after we were married my husband made a mistake, "that" kind of mistake. I took the biggest hit to my security ever. I give all praise and glory to God for walking us through it and keeping us strong. It took a lot of healing but I trust him 100% again. But here in lies the problem; with my security permanently fractured and me trusting him to the fullest, anything he says that is negative I take to heart. Funny, huh? It is weird in a way, but I guess since my insecurity remains from something negative I tend to cling to the negative more, almost as a truth and that positive is an illusion. For example, my husband will come up to me and rub my arms (and I am not in the best shape of my life by far right now) and he will say how he loves my arms but I can not bring myself to believe him! He is genuine but this is the remark going on in my head, see if you can relate, "Are you kidding babe, they are humongous. You are just saying that to be nice and because you love me". Is that you mommy? Now if he comes up to me and says my body odor is kicking (and yes, I have smelt it too, thanks for the reminder) I take that to heart as truth. So now multiply that by every negative comment ANYONE says. That is a lot to be insecure about. Now onto how we start drowning. So for me, my insecurities are already there, festering in the back of my conscience. So what do I start doing to block them out and make myself feel better? Well I start adding to my plate of course. Sounding familiar now? And let me tell you the devil is good, he doesn't just tempt me with everything at once because then it would seem like deep water. No he starts off with one small step into the shallow water. So for me this looks something like this. I am a stay at home mom with three young children who I am homeschooling. The first thing I do is add in serving at my church, after all this is not a school day and I love holding those babies. Not to bad, so I take another small step by attending our church's sisterhood meetings on Tuesdays. That is reasonable since I deserve a night off away from the house. Safe where I stand. Then I take on watching a neighbors child before and after school. How I love the praise of "You are doing amazing things for so many people including this little girl". But this step took me deeper then expected and breathing is getting hard. But hey, it's boosting my self-esteem, I am feeling secure with all these other people praising me. However, as time goes on my anxiety increases. There seems to always be something needing attention outside my normal home life. What? Is this hitting home for you, or has it in the past? Homeschooling is a struggle and my temper is always there so my daughter, feeling the tension, is missing the fun of it. But I have no choice because in a few hours I have to pick up the neighbors child and then it's dinner and off to church. After a tedious day of school I walk out and see laundry undone, dishes piled high, bathrooms a mess ( and if you have boys you know exactly what I mean, gross!), and of course I forgot to take dinner out of the freezer. And then I walk into the boys bedrooms and I LOSE IT! Toys everywhere, drinks in the room, spills on the floor soaking into the bedding that is also on the floor. I am drowning, and it hurts, and I'm sad and feel caged in my own home. There is no time to go at a slow pace, there is no time to get lost on an outing, there is always a reason other things take first place to my home. Drowning.
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I see them looking at me. Every move I make watching and learning. The pressure begins to build from anxiety to anger to rage. As their fun becomes louder and the mess becomes larger I hear that voice, "You weren't cut out for this". As the days progress into weeks my children begin to mirror my mood. They smile less and seem on edge. Knowing their mommy's mood could change from one of fatigue to one of temper. The voice is deafening now, "You have failed! You can't do this! You will only be known as a mom! They will only remember the bad times! They will adopt your horrible seeds of doubt, rage, discouragement, hopelessness!" I fall to my knees, tears welling up inside and flowing freely down my face. What will my children think? That I am a baby? That I am weak? That they are the reason for my tears? Ever so gently I feel little hands and little arms embrace me. Soft little kisses and whispers saying, "Mommy don't cry, we love you". As I embrace the love radiating from these miracles I carried in my womb I allow God to speak through them. No yelling, no guilt, no reprimands, just gentle whispers of admiration. From that point on I declare war on the devil. For what he tried to take from me. For the lies he yelled to me. I go to my knees in battle, not just for my sake but for my children. I show them how to fight with the greatest weapon we have. Prayer. I allow God to show me who I am. A mother yes, but also a warrior, a teacher, a doctor, a cook, a comforter, and above all else a servant like Christ. They watch me fight this battle. They watch me win as time goes on. Their smiles return and they are carefree around me. Their is lots of laughter in the house and dancing too! As I tuck them into bed at night, tired from a day of serving out of love, I kiss them and as I do, breathe in their sweet childlike scent. As I close their doors a peace washes over me. I have won, I have won back my motherhood. How I wish I could tell the mothers reading this that this excerpt is a key that once you discover it the door will always stay open. But we live in a broken world and the devil is a lion seeking, always seeking to devour. He sends his demons to make us forget lessons learned. It seems unfair, but in all reality it keeps us coming back to God. When I wrote this excerpt I was in such a horrible place, things did improve after I wrote it. The Holy Spirit rising up in me to fight for myself and my children. But like all lessons learned, if we start to slack, if we get comfortable with the success… we lose it again. That is what happened. I prayed to God to help me fight and he did. But as things got better and I needed help in other areas I forgot to practice my new found knowledge. I forgot to strive harder to do even better for my kids and myself and became complacent and comfortable. Before I knew what hit me I was back to square one. I have been on a spiritual journey this year and most of it has been a living nightmare of trying to break down a brick wall… no a cement wall with my head and meeting nothing but resistance. How I wish I had a photographic memory (but only for the spiritual lessons I learn, not all the rest) so that I remembered to never get comfortable where I thought my walk with Christ was. How great would that be to remember every word in the Bible, every Christ like meme, every sermon my pastor taught on?! Right now, my pastor is teaching a series titled “Things I wish Jesus had never said”. Talk about lessons that need to be remembered! These types of sermons have a lesson straight from the mouth of the Holy Spirit and it is weighted with self-evaluation of my soul, out of love, but also out of fear. Fear that as good as I think I am doing I will never come close to hitting the mark. To try and truly accept in my heart that grace is the only possible way I can get to heaven. Spiritual lessons that I want to hold onto with every fiber of my being. But I won’t, I will forget, I will have the notes in my phone and never (more than likely) go back to them when I need them. Motherhood is so hard. Moms really do have it the hardest in life, we serve like Jesus did and we weep like God does when it comes to our children. But there is one thing (because of our broken world) that we have to endure that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit don’t have to. We have to endure that our imperfectness, our imperfect parenting, our faults and our sins will not only be seen by our children but that our children may adopt them. What a scary thought! But you know what? That is a good, no great thing; because of this imperfectness it allows God to step in and fill the gaps. It allows God to break chains that our children see when we are on our knees begging for help from Him. Begging him to take our rage away, begging him to let us see the beauty in ourselves that he sees, and begging him to help us bring our children to accept Christ. My daughter was just baptized this past weekend. She is almost 7 and had been contemplating it for about a year now. Wow! When I was 7 I may have gone to church a handful of times but I certainly didn’t love my savior or even understand what it meant to tell the world publicly that I believed. So that is my proof right there, that despite all my short comings, all the times I fail; that by going to God where my children can see it, they are learning about Christ at such a younger age then I did and I am so proud of this new chain that has started. I already had a few people question whether my daughter was really ready to be baptized. Well, for those who know her, they know she is kind of an introvert, so to publicly declare Jesus as her savor in front of a crowd, well you can make up your own mind. The bottom line is we are going to fail as mothers in our day to day lives. But that does not mean we will fall in the end with our kids. If we go to God constantly in prayer regardless of who is around or where we are, we can succeed at being mothers who helped bring their children to faith! Have you ever noticed that most of the bible is male based? You have Eve, Sarah, Ruth, Esther and Mary but not really too much mention of raising kids, never getting to shower uninterrupted, looking like a train wreck when you are running errands and your child has thrown up all over you, etc. But if you are slow and really read the Word you will see that majority of the men (whether good or evil) are followed by the mention of their mother. Hum, something to ponder over isn’t it? Just as in life today, mothers of the bible were mostly in the background, a one sentence mention and nothing more; but like today we are the nurturers of our children, we have the power given to us by God to help steer our children into the right direction. The mothers of the bible were always there while the kings were off being kings (fighting wars, running their kingdoms, and securing their legacy) which is what they are supposed to do, protect the family. But no matter how good or how horrible a king was, his son could end up being the complete opposite. How is that possible unless the mothers were the biggest influence on the children? So take heart and receive strength from the One above who loves you. Motherhood is a gift not given to every woman, so cherish it, the victories and the failures because in the end, God willing, will result in being reunited with our children in heaven. Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up ~ 3 John 1:4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth ~ Proverbs 22:6 Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it ~
Every morning it’s the same. Wake up before the sun does. Get the coffee going and the meals made before little feet with beautiful loud voices are up. After daddy leaves it time to eat while mommy goes and prays. Then comes the daily chores of getting dressed and beds made. Some days we get going on school early and I think, “yay” we are going to make it today. But most days I look at the clock and cry because it is almost spent yet there is so much more to do. Lunch rolls around and then quiet time. Finally a break from the day, which I need because the house is looking yet again like a disheveled mess. This is a sight I can’t stand in the least! Pardon my grinch like response. The look of it is so overwhelming to a type triple ’A’ person like me. I go to the pantry and eat away while looking at the disorganization that lingers in every room. From that point on I am on my phone or computer trying to help others. And I want to, I want to so bad! But as I do, in the other room my children live life without me. And I will be honest there are several more times I get on my phone to take a break but with all the anger in the world it only makes things worse. By dinner time if I’m lucky I planned something good but rush to get it done. In reality it looks like hot dogs or nuggets again. I’ll go without because the guilt from what I ate earlier still weighs on me. But who am I kidding here?! Once the kids are put to bed I’ll go back to the pantry because now the cravings kick in again. It is the same day after day of attempting to get it right but never succeeding. Where is the sweet-spot? Why can’t I seem to grasp it? I know what I need to do yet I still don’t do it! I just want to find that sweet-spot in life where I have things balanced for more then one day. The spot where days are light and carefree but also ordered and routine. Days where I am smiling way more then crying. What is smiling again? It’s been so long since I’ve been able to hold onto it for more then a second or two. Crying is the norm that has stood by my side for almost a whole year now. So tomorrow I will try again. Tomorrow I will wake up with expectations that it will be the day I find the sweet-spot for my routine, for my home, for my family... for me. Finding Sweet-spot came to me a while back. That is usually how it works with these “nudges from God”. I’ll be nice and comfy, I’ll start reflecting on something and BOOM! A title will come to me and I literally have to act in that moment. Don’t tell anyone, but one of these excerpts came to me while in church service. So for the better part of my pastor’s sermon I was writing. Lucky for me it just looked like I was taking notes. And in all fairness it was what my pastor said that opened the door for God to “BOOM” me. Ha! Anyway, I have also learned the hard way that if I do not act upon the boom I will try to come back to it later and I have writers block. Even now I have a few in progress because I missed the opportune time. Anyway, moving right along. So with sweet-spot is easy to see that I am at a place where things aren’t going “my way” aka. “great”. I know that God probably is in heaven looking at the big picture going, “Simmer down Christen”, but I can’t see that picture. Have I mentioned I am type AAA? Well if I haven’t you can see why I am struggling with life. Life is so… messy! I am not good with messes. When my house is messy, I am messy. I don’t shower like I should, I don’t routine like I should, I don’t love like I should, I don’t do much like I should. But when my house is clean, wow it is a big difference. Everything else has a lighter feel to it. I am happier, I am healthier, life is better. Don’t smite me down God for my lack of vision after all You made me this way for a reason. Right now every room in the house is messy. It’s slightly dirty too, but mostly messy. What deflates my bubble of motivation is I just got EVERY ROOM organized last month! Talk about slapping a person down, am I right? As a mom we spend every ounce of energy trying to please everyone else and it’s never enough or worse never appreciated. When I get our home in order and routine and no one tries to help keep it that way I will eventually throw up my hands and join in. I get to a point where I just can’t keep it up every day. So that is where I am now. Homeschool disorganized, my health in bad shape, my home feels like a nightmare (seriously I have nightmares about things like this), my marriage is more like two roomates. When you don’t have time to love on yourself you really don’t want your spouse to even look at you let alone touch you (and that is NOT OKAY). The devil loves to put a wedge in our marriages by putting up the roommate divider. My children have a mom right now that is either frowning or crying or has a “blah” expression on her face. And none of this is okay we me! But here is the problem. I don’t know what to do to get back to the sweet – spot of life. As I type I have canceled all my outreaching to other people. No more meetings for my mommies, no more essential oil continuing education (well that’s not entirely true. I had one already planned for next month. Then that is it.) and I’m saying no to most things. I am 100% in a rut… again and it is one of the longest I have had. Depressing huh? Yep, it is. But this is life for all of us. We have our ups and we have are downs. Sometimes those downs are really really REALLY down. But, through all this I have stayed consistent in one thing. For almost the entire year I have been talking and meeting with my Lord in a way that looking back now has kept me going all year. I am not in the sweet-spot of life right now, or so I think. I have no routine that I can stick to for more than a couple of days, but that is okay. God is going to pull me through the waters of this time in my life. There will come a day in the near future that I will have it all together again. It may start now or it may not start for another year or so. But here is the revelation. At the beginning of this year I was hopeful that it would be my most joyful year yet. If I go off my emotions and all the negative things that were my daily life throughout the months it looks to be just the opposite. A joyless year. WRONG! The sweet-spot in life was always there. The sweet-spot in life is the joy we find, wait for it… in God. This entire year I asked for something that God gave me. I asked for it to be full of joy and He gave it to me. The problem was my idea of joy wasn’t really joy, I wanted happiness. There is nothing in life that can steal your joy if you always remember your joy comes from the Lord. If your joy comes from you being happy, or from stuff or even from your kids then you will always be let down. Our Lord is the only true joy and now I see that. So am I still looking for sweet-spot? You bet, because right now it looks a lot different than last year, so I constantly have to be aware of it in the mist of the chaos! Because the thing about the sweet-spot is it changes as life goes on. The sweet-spot could look like organization and tidiness, it could look like living most of the days outside exploring and playing, it could look like anything. This is not a cruel joke God plays on us. No, God just knows what kind of sweet-spot we need even if it doesn’t look like how we want. So find the joy that is your current sweet-spot because it is still there mommy, waiting on you to be content in it. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus ~ Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer ~ Today is a big day for me and anxiety is running high. I'm not sure why I allow the devil to use his ways against me. But, never the less the anxiety is there. Normally my blogs with not focus on such intense discussions. However, the weight of today can not be lifted until I get it out of my head. Unplanned is premiering today all over the United States. I am going to go and see it with my best friend and constant support system... my sexy hubby. If you have read my last blog then you know why this movie hits so close to home. And to be honest, as I am writing this, trying to not tear up again, there is no denying it. I AM SCARED. I am scared (and anxious) to see this movie. Ever since having Briseis I have not be able to see anything that deals with children in pain. Heck, I cried on Kung Fu Panda 3 when his mother had to leave him to save him! I don't know if that is you or if I am just really weird in this area. But I cry at every heart pulling thing that involves a child. LOL. But like I said, I am scared to see this movie. I am scared because of the pain it is going to cause me (something I feel I have no right to complain about). Regardless though I need to see this movie. I WANT to see this movie! Now on to why I am a Paul. If you do not know Paul let me give you some back round. Paul was actually Saul to begin with. He was a pharisee and a shrewd one at that. He not only had followers of Christ murdered but he even carried some of them out himself (Acts 9 NIV). It took Christ revealing himself to Saul and blinding him so his eyes could not betray him, for Saul to finally see his sins. After Ananias was given the power to restore Saul's vision he then became known as Paul. Despite him murdering Christians God still chose to use him for His glory (Acts 9:15 - But the Lord said to Ananias, "Go! This man is my CHOSEN INSTRUMENT to carry my name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel."). This proves that no matter our sin our God is so powerful he can turn it to be used for good. Despite all the goodness that Paul was then used for after sinning against Jesus and repenting, Paul still has consequences he had to endure. There were Christians that ran from him fearing he was lying to get to them for example (Acts 9:26 NIV). But this was not the half of it, nor the worse of it. God makes a promise about Saul in Acts 9:16 NIV which states; I will show him how much he must suffer for my name. Now there are a couple of things I feel as Christians we must understand. One, God loves us and is for us. Two, God tells us in Philippians 4:13 through Paul, I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength. But as Christians we must be careful to read the previous text. This verse is so simple, it means no matter the circumstances we find ourselves, happy, sad, in good health, or in torture we can find contentment in all when we lean on Jesus. Three, to share our testimonies (1 Peter 3:15). So Paul's suffering was in my opinion not found so much in the physical but in the spiritual. His suffering came from the thorn in his side that God would not remove (2 Corinthians 12:7-10 NIV).
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take away from me. But he said, " My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." As mothers we have all made a sin or sins that we use to give testimony to our faith. But have you ever been able to forget that sin or more likely the regret of that sin? Now all sin is seen as equal in God's eyes, but to use we tend to put a scale on ourselves. A white lie I may have told someone I may also have forgotten. But then there are the big sins. The ones we can't stop from regretting. An abortion (my case), lashing out in anger toward our children, saying something that is so cruel you can see the actual damage to the soul of the person at the receiving end and the list goes on. I believe, like Paul, that these regrets that wont leave us are our thorns we must suffer. We suffer not because God wants to punish us, but instead to strengthen us through Him. How can we continue to give testimony after testimony to others if we no longer feel the pain of regret? Would it possibly start to seem fake to some, like we are just going through the same old story with no emotion or worse, as Paul says, conceitedness or maybe self righteousness? No, God loves us so much he allows the pain in our soul to stay long after the person we hurt has moved on because otherwise our testimony would become stale and dead. As much as the regret of what I did to my child still hurts, God uses that pain when I give my testimony every time. The person I am telling can see the hurt, see the pain, see the raw regret of sin. And once seeing that I have been used to allow an opening for the Holy Spirit to work in that person. If I were to yell and scream at the person why they are wrong, then all I accomplish is the hardening of that person's heart. Especially if I have not walked in their shoes. That is what makes our testimony, our thorn so powerful. We HAVE walked in those shoes, we know the pain is real because we live through it and people who hear it believe it genuinely because it is "lived through truth". So sweet momma, the next time you feel the regret of your repented sin climbing its way up your chest into your throat and out your eyes in the form of tears, be still and let it strengthen you for the battle of a soul is heading your way. We have three weapons on this earth you and I, love, prayer and personal testimony (our thorn). We are to LOVE all regardless, we give TESTIMONY to sway someone from a sin that we ourselves committed, and if those fail, we PRAY for our God to help by sending the Holy Spirit to intervene. We were once all Sauls and through God's grace we are now Pauls. I was 21 years old and on my own. I was "playing house" with my boyfriend of a year. I had just gotten home from splurging at the grocery store. While there I had picked up a pregnancy test, I had a gut feeling. I followed the instructions on the packet. When I looked at the results I felt sick to my stomach. So many emotions! Fear, regret, anger. My life was going great and now God was going to throw this curve ball?! I didn't want kids and certainly didn't want them under the current circumstances. What would my parents think? I was the oldest, the one all my siblings looked up to. I had already been kicked out of the house so this was going to make me look even worse. My parents would kill me... No they wouldn't because I was going to take back control of this situation. Immediately I called and scheduled an appointment. I put the groceries away, I ate some strawberries and called my boyfriend to tell him the news. Without telling me he comes over, he wants to talk about options! Options!!! I'm in control and I'm doing this my way. Reluctantly he doesn't argue. The next day I go to the facility. Oh, the devil made it so easy! No protesters, but I'm still scared of the pain the procedure may cause me. They do the ultrasound, I barely glimpse at it, but I remember, to this day I remember that little ball of light. Almost like the sun shinning in a mess of blackness. But that devil, he is good. They tell me I am barely three weeks if that, no heart beat, not attached. To stay in control will require a pill!!! No painful suction, no prolonged wait, easy as pie. I accept, no questions asked. I remember thinking it was weird that the doctor watched while I took the pill, like I wouldn't! I go home and have to insert some pills to fully flush things out. Painful cramping begins but no big deal. I am in control and life can go back to normal, no regrets, just the knowledge I did something wrong. Fast forward almost 8 years. My boyfriend, now my husband of two years, and I decide we want kids. Well he does and I think I do. Funny how God likes to work. The day my daughter was born was euphoric. Blissful labor, oh and I get to watch the Gator's win while giving birth. The doctor places Briseis on my stomach and that little baby looks dead into my eyes. I feel my heart break into millions of pieces. I was so wrong, I did want kids, just when it was convenient for me. She is my world but a new emotion is sinking in, guilt. Something is trying to resurface, but hey I am in control. I find out my husband cheated on me and we seek out God with a new found passion, determined to salvage the marriage. It works. Briseis is a year, my husband and I are healing and we decide to have another child. I get pregnant with no problems. I am three weeks along. We are helping my parents move from Houston back to Florida. I go to the bathroom, an ever so small blood clot. Fear creeps in, fear not of the unknowing but of the knowing. I'm going to lose this baby. My family tries to comfort me, tells me God knows what He is doing, that something was wrong with the baby. I agree with them, but a new emotion starts sinking in, regret for a sin made long ago. I had no control, I lose my baby. I love my life, I love my God, I love my husband and I love my three children God blessed me with despite what I did. I have asked God to forgive me for taking control of my child's life all those years ago. I have asked the child and family members for the same. I have forgiven myself, but that will never make the regret go away. Regret is the scar tissue that covers old wounds that we cause. It keeps us growing. It hurts, it will never stop hurting. What I did wasn't as bad as not trusting God enough to be in control. I wanted control of a situation I put myself into because I didn't like the outcome I was getting. I know my miscarriage was God's way of showing me, even when I think I'm in control, I'm not. There was nothing I could do to save the baby I miscarried. It has taken me years and years of emotions adding onto other emotions to realize the extent of what I did. When you take another being's life, it is said you lose a part of your soul. Of that I have no doubt. I took something that wasn't mine to take. I doubted the plan God had for me. I doubted He was really in control of what was going on. Because of my blindness to the fact God was trying to spare me I will forever more have this scar of regret. It is a wound I want no other woman to bear because the scar will never go away, the guilt will remain and it will hurt. God's gift to woman of being able to bear children is a way to lose control and let God take control. Whether from rape, or an abnormality, or an accident. God makes no mistakes, He's in control, all He asks is that we lose control. This excerpt was my first, it was also the hardest and most emotional one I have written. This was also the first step I took on this path.
I will never forget that time in my life. From the moment my stomach hit the floor until the relief came from the “burden” being taken care of. But why? Why did I do something so bad when I knew how wrong it was? There is a great word to sum it all up…FEAR. The devil crippled me with fear as soon as I saw those double lines on the test. Fear of not wanting children period because I had taken care of and babysat my siblings and they were not all angels all the time. Fear because I was the oldest and the example I was setting was so lowly. Fear because my parents and I had helped my best friend in highschool tell her parents she was pregnant. Fear of the thought of the changes my body would go through and the pain if child birth. Fear of going through all that work to just give the baby away. Fear of what people would think when they saw I was not married. Fear my parents would hate my boyfriend forever and never let me see him again. Fear they would control me by helping me through the pregnancy only to hold it over my head in the future. Fear in every single aspect. The devil really new how to twist me into his image that day. It was one of the easiest things I have ever done. Swallow a pill, so simple, and then that ball of light on the ultrasound screen would go out forever. I had no idea of the consequences of my actions or the revalations I would have down the road. I just wanted my life back. I remember when I was pregnant with Briseis and she didn’t come on the date I wanted her to (seriously I was that naïve). I remember telling my parents that I felt like she was a parasite that wouldn’t get out of my body. Shame on me!!! I had murdered my first child and yet God showed me grace by giving me another chance. Yet here I was complaining and ungrateful because she came 4 days later then I wanted and ONE DAY past her due date! Selfish. Yet at the time I did not yet realize the weight of my sin. There are no words to describe the feeling I had when the midwife laid Briseis on my stomach. But back up even further. The labor experience. I went into labor on New Years, that night I went to the hospital. Get this, the on call doctor didn’t believe I was in labor!!! So he admitted me and gave me something to help me sleep. And was it good!!! I was “high” on the drug and sleeping well and full of relaxation and peace any time I would wake with a contraction. And then… pop (even Lance heard it on the monitoring system), my water broke. I was euphoric from there on out. I went through my epideral watching the Gator game (which they won) with the anesthesiologist being a fan as well. I lost track of time from there until my midwife came in to check me. The nurse and I quote, “She’s not ready. We just checked.” To which my midwife answered, “I bet she is.” She was right, Briseis was crowning! A couple pushes (2 is all I remember) and she was out. And that feeling, there is no way to describe it. The closest I have ever been able to come is when the Grinch’s heart “grew three sizes that day.” And then terror… she was grey! Yeah, no one, not even my mother told me babies come out that way! So you future first time moms, you’re welcome. They assured me she was fine and just like that my sweet Peanut looked up at me with those huge eyes and coed at me. Now did I mention not wanting kids? Did I further mention NOT wanting a girl and if we did have one I had wanted the boys first. Well it’s a really good thing God knows better. But I’ll save that for later on in the book. It wasn’t until that point that guilt started to nag at me over the child I had murdered. My angel baby that forgave me just as God did the second I asked for it. But it would take much longer for me to forgive myself. God knows our children just as He knew us and our parents and their parents, back to the beginning of time. My first angel baby had a purpose and God knew it, but that doesn’t mean the scar goes away. It doesn’t mean it was okay. That child’s DNA will NEVER, EVER be recreated. That is a burden I have to bear. In my ignorance and self-perseverance I took something that was not mine to take, my child’s life. By now you can see why this was the first and hardest excerpt to write. My only hope is someone reading this will feel the hurt in my words when I took a life and the joy in my words when I gave life. And even if it changes the heart of just one person, maybe that person is you, then glory be to God. For I received three blessings because He loved me enough to not withhold children from me, he showed me grace. And do not for a second think there was not a consequence. Just as David lost his son because of his adultery with a married woman and the murder of that wife’s husband, I too lost a child because of a sin. My second angel baby was the revelation I needed to see I was never in control of anything. I may have made the choice the first time, but God knew all along I would. So for my second angel baby He reminded me He was in control the whole time, and that he can give it and he can take it away. So in all things seek the Lord and have good friends to call you out if you are in the wrong. Psalm 119:10 I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands ~ Romans 6:14 For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace ~ |