Here I am, sitting at my desk with that all familiar choked up feeling in my throat. I let it happen again, I let the devil pull me down again by the busyness of the world. Have you been there mommy? I can't tell you how many times I get to this point in life where I am literally saying to myself, "Christen you promised you wouldn't do this again! You promised you would back off and do a slower pace." Does that sound like you tonight dear mother? Maybe you are drowning, maybe you are starting to feel the pull, or maybe you have been able to come up for air. So why? Why do us mothers continue to go back to the broken record that will in the end drown us? Why do I keep going back? It is a hard pill to swallow and a tear is falling as I write it. For me I keep coming back to this point because ultimately I am insecure.
So why are we so insecure and why do we keep seeking out security to the point we start drowning from the busyness of our lives? Well for me I started out having insecurities. At an early age I was bullied for everything from where I lived to my name. Seriously, I once had a girl CUT MY HAIR because my name was the same as hers. Yeah. Anyway, then I got into modeling and dance. Two things that are sure to boost your security. And they did for a time, but only a time. Everything took a down hill spin when I went to a new modeling agency after completing one at another studio. They talked on an on about confidence. So when they asked us what letter (A, B, C) we thought we were. 'A' meant to start modeling to get your name out there and 'C' take some classes on modeling I took my secure self and claimed 'A". I was so confident since I had already done training and completed it. But did I get accepted as an 'A'? No, I was told I had gotten a 'C' that I needed more training, nutrition and some other "small things". I had all the confidence and training I needed, but because I was not as skinny as the other girls (I was normal just not on the low end of normal) I was told I would have to start over. Problems with insecurity you bet!
Things got better towards the end of high school, but my body was an always nagging presence that was never quite good enough for me. Then I met my husband, well boyfriend at the time. He was SO HANDSOME and wanted to be with me! Naturally my insecurity began to alter to one of security. Almost got to the point of vanity. LOL. Anyway, after we were married my husband made a mistake, "that" kind of mistake. I took the biggest hit to my security ever. I give all praise and glory to God for walking us through it and keeping us strong. It took a lot of healing but I trust him 100% again. But here in lies the problem; with my security permanently fractured and me trusting him to the fullest, anything he says that is negative I take to heart. Funny, huh? It is weird in a way, but I guess since my insecurity remains from something negative I tend to cling to the negative more, almost as a truth and that positive is an illusion. For example, my husband will come up to me and rub my arms (and I am not in the best shape of my life by far right now) and he will say how he loves my arms but I can not bring myself to believe him! He is genuine but this is the remark going on in my head, see if you can relate, "Are you kidding babe, they are humongous. You are just saying that to be nice and because you love me". Is that you mommy? Now if he comes up to me and says my body odor is kicking (and yes, I have smelt it too, thanks for the reminder) I take that to heart as truth. So now multiply that by every negative comment ANYONE says. That is a lot to be insecure about.
Now onto how we start drowning. So for me, my insecurities are already there, festering in the back of my conscience. So what do I start doing to block them out and make myself feel better? Well I start adding to my plate of course. Sounding familiar now? And let me tell you the devil is good, he doesn't just tempt me with everything at once because then it would seem like deep water. No he starts off with one small step into the shallow water. So for me this looks something like this. I am a stay at home mom with three young children who I am homeschooling. The first thing I do is add in serving at my church, after all this is not a school day and I love holding those babies. Not to bad, so I take another small step by attending our church's sisterhood meetings on Tuesdays. That is reasonable since I deserve a night off away from the house. Safe where I stand. Then I take on watching a neighbors child before and after school. How I love the praise of "You are doing amazing things for so many people including this little girl". But this step took me deeper then expected and breathing is getting hard. But hey, it's boosting my self-esteem, I am feeling secure with all these other people praising me.
However, as time goes on my anxiety increases. There seems to always be something needing attention outside my normal home life. What? Is this hitting home for you, or has it in the past? Homeschooling is a struggle and my temper is always there so my daughter, feeling the tension, is missing the fun of it. But I have no choice because in a few hours I have to pick up the neighbors child and then it's dinner and off to church. After a tedious day of school I walk out and see laundry undone, dishes piled high, bathrooms a mess ( and if you have boys you know exactly what I mean, gross!), and of course I forgot to take dinner out of the freezer. And then I walk into the boys bedrooms and I LOSE IT! Toys everywhere, drinks in the room, spills on the floor soaking into the bedding that is also on the floor. I am drowning, and it hurts, and I'm sad and feel caged in my own home. There is no time to go at a slow pace, there is no time to get lost on an outing, there is always a reason other things take first place to my home. Drowning.